it’s all over:(

i was so much excited for 30th december why because i was supposed to celebrate pre new year’s party with Him.everything was going according the plan i took metro at 2340 as he asked me to meet till 0030 at his home.though it was our 4th time that we were meeting, but i was smelling that something is wrong i was having one of the worst panic attacks on the way to him. the feeling of losing, the restlessness feeling and confusion was on peak, i thought its just that my medications are not working and i am thinking too much. so i ignored my gut feelings which always becomes true as i have this power of noticing things before they happen this time the gut feelings were very strong.on the whole way i was praying and wishing that tonight things get change between us and He calls it more than friendship. yeh i know things dont suppose to go so fast and the more fast you run the more strongly you will fall and it will hurt.
anyhow soon i reached at his place when i reached there suddenly i started feeling relax and soon i thought that see it was just a bad panic attack and things are fine.we started talking and drinking in a nice musical environment…
soon after few beers and gin n tonic i started feeling tipsy or i would kinda drunk yeh i did get high pretty quickly as i have taking my medications before so may be because of that i got into that phase but whatever it was i was feeling nice ,what i could wish for more than this . He was in front of me his legs were on my lap and i was playing with them as i love his feet so much ,drinking and chatting with him it was perfect how i have thought and dreamt for.
soon we were in some discussion and i dont remember what triggered that discussion all i remember that he asked to listen up him and He said something that i never wanted to hear or was not ready to hear so early but he might have smelled it and that’s why he brought this topic . He asked me that i shouldn’t ever fall in love with him as i should trust him he won’t be good boy friend to me . fuck as soon as i heard it something broke inside me so badly but i didnt show him that its too much to hear. i heard him and then i said that you might think you cant be good boy friend to me but i am sure that if there will ever be a boyfriend in my life that would be you and you are perfect in my eyes.
and we started discussing this he was stay true to his opinion and i was stuck to mine. but then i said ok let’s change the topic and if you don’t think i should ever fall in love with you then i wont but just stay as you are with me now and let’s keep this nice friendship forever . i was hiding my love for him behind the logo of friendship.
soon after that i dont remember what happened but all i remember is he was lying and i was in his arms and he asked me to look into his eyes and i just couldnt watch into his eyes and as soon as he asked again i burst into tears and the whole emotions just rushed out through my eyes and he noticed whats coming next , i told him that i can’t look into your eyes as i will fall in love all over again and i dont want to do that. on which i hugged me tight put my head on his chest and hold me tight.all i remember is he was telling me its ok Adi you haven’t lost me ,you won’t lose me at all i will always be here for you but my emotions were so hard that i just couldn’t stop crying and my broken heart wanted to burst into pieces.this continued for long time all i remember that he was making sure that i look into his eyes and calm down i did looked into his eyes few times with tears falling from my eyes and i think i noticed tears in his eyes too ,and felt like one of his part want to love me and hold me in his life but he is too strong to hold that feelings away dont know why he can’t be in my life as boyfriend . if he like me ,finds me handsome attractive then what is wrong to try out relationship?
there are so many questions that i am asking from my self and cursing my self why i met him in 1st place if it was supposed to come to this point:(
my gut feelings were not wrong this was coming but i just didn’t believed in my gut feelings and now i am broken into pieces. its new year’s eve everyone is happy and celebrating while i am crying on my fucked up life:(

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