birthday bash

yesterday he confirmed that i can visit i freshen up and left for his place at 2256 had a bottle of vodka and some red bulls so took them along my side. i reached at his building till 2335 texted him to come down to open the entrance door for me, he replied that he will be down in a sec. but it wasn’t just few seconds he took almost 13 minutes and i was standing in freezing windy cold. it wasn’t bad at all because after all i was having my time with him after 29 days so the excitement was at its peak:)
anyhow he came down and apologised as he was busy on skype meeting though he thought it will end by now but due to some reason the meeting got lengthy and that’s why he took long time to come down and open the door. but i didnt mind that come on how can i mind anything from him:)
anyhow i went to his place, he asked me to give him sometime so that he can finish is meeting and i agreed.
he quickly winded up his meeting and then suddenly turned to me and said Happy birthday come on give me a hug, on which i smiled and said birthday is gone as its 0018 he said no worries just give me hug so i hugged him tight and gave him a kiss on his neck wow gosh i love his skin smell and i have missed his arms around me so much.
from there we started talking slowly infact i was kinda distracted by some random thoughts in my head about us, and he figured it out quickly and said to me YOU look pretty lost in thoughts, and i replied yeh i am on which he asked i am here tell me whatever is bothering you. i replied i can’t tell you know let me give sometime i will discuss it with you and he smiled and said of course.
fast forwarding the night we started drinking and slowly as i felt the kick and kinda gathered my confidence i brought up the topic of feelings from our last time meet up and from there onward we had a long debate till late in night while enjoying drinks and i was falling for him all over again from inside , though he still believes i dont have geniun feelings for him but i have left it on time. let the time decide on that.
later i was almost drunk and we ran short of alcohol which wasn’t good.. but my mood was great so romantic and sweet … again fast forward here we end up lying in bed together my head was on his chest playing , fingers were playing through his hair chest and gosh that was the time i wanted to stop forever and live in there forever:)….
after a real awesome period it was time to sleep as i was supposed to be up in day time to catch up on my doctor’s appointment… so in a little while he fell asleep like a child and i couldnt sleep whole night as i was just looking at him and thinking how much i like this amazing person, when night turned into day and when my alarm started i didnt notice, as time flew by so fast and then it was time to wake him up so that he can lock the door after i leave. he woke up pretty grumpy wish i wouldn’t have done that but i didnt have any choice.
and then i left his place giving him a big hug and kissing him… it was one of the best nights as usual and best birthday in years as i wasn’t alone on this birthday, i got to spend the whole night with someone very close and dear to me….
now i am home too tired need to sleep now as i am supposed to be awake by 0640 in morning to catch up another doctor meet up. but wanted to share the new chapter of my life:)


fog all over

from the last couple of days i have been feeling miserable emotionally and mentally. it’s hard to explain but there is a strange kind of silence and fog in my head that has made me so calm but yet full of sadness that i don’t know when i start crying and when i stop crying.
all i know i haven’t felt like this ever before so today i called my doctor and she has given me a time in two days which is atleast good thing as i need help more than ever before at this time of life.
because the feelings of harming my self is on peak, there is so much darkness inside me that i am numb and super confused. i haven’t texted him from few days as i dont feel like it or may be i just want to see how he response. as i have told him that i want to be with him on my birthday, which is tomorrow luckily.
i was sure he wouldn’t contact me but to all my surprise he voice texted me a while ago and asking whats the plan for tomorrow?
on which i replied and said nothing free then he sent another message and asked isn’t tomorrow my birthday? and i said yeh and i am free on my birthday so if you want i can come tonight towards you and stay night there.
he said not tonight as he is very tired and not in good mood like me but i can come to his place tomorrow and hopefully he will be in party spirit. on which i agreed as today i am also having terrible day and i dont want to take my sadness and depression to him, as already we have so much to talk and discuss.
i should be happy that he remember to contact me and fulfil his promise of meeting on my birthday, but i ain’t feeling the happiness inside me. this whole confusion,darkness, sadness and silence is taking over on me and i feeling like a volcano from inside which will burst at anytime,i don’t want to cry but it will be good if i cry today as that might help to wash away the depression and i might be in good mood tomorrow when i visit him.
going towards him will not be easy for me as earlier we used to meet as friends, but now i have feelings for him while he doesn’t want this whole relationship thing i guess so it will be difficult task to do. and i hope i will be able to talk to him openly and may be i get some positive reply from him.
so tomorrow on my birthday either i will get complete rejection or i will get somehow acceptance from him, though i know i will be heartbroken as usual but still i dont have any option rather facing this reality………..

one week later

it’s been more than week since i met him in fact it’s one year and over a week:) as we had met in december 2014 and now it’s 2015.anyhow i haven’t heard from him during last one week but yesterday when i left voice message and update him that i met psykologist and she said she has no more option of treatment other than i must think about ECT and i am still not ready for that. on which she suggested me that i can meet her colleague to have second opinion and may be he has some new way of treatment . and we agreed on it and she booked me with him on 29th january.
on this update he replied and said its long wait and he hopes i will stay strong meanwhile on my current medication.that was one and only his reply. which made me very happy as i have been missing this voice for a long time.but it also brought the urge of seeing him in real life more than before.but i can’t force him for meet up as i don’t want to lose him also he has told me before that these two months he is going to be very busy in his music and work. but can’t stop my heart from craving about meet up.
so i left him two more voice messages hope he has heard them and will reply me was a good time for me to hear from him yesterday but today is bad day as i am facing a depressive episode along with frustration and sadness and emptiness. and i end up hitting my face which is something new that i have started recently in past few days , and i have mentioned this to doctor as well but she didn’t change my medication and i have to continue with my previous prescription.
hoping soon i will get a green signal from him as whenever i meet him during that time i dont feel depressed at all, i know i am getting dependent on him as i dont have anyone else to spend time with. while he has already told me i must not fall in love with him as he doesn’t want to break my heart, but its too late as i have already fallen for him and i am ready for heart break:(