fog all over

from the last couple of days i have been feeling miserable emotionally and mentally. it’s hard to explain but there is a strange kind of silence and fog in my head that has made me so calm but yet full of sadness that i don’t know when i start crying and when i stop crying.
all i know i haven’t felt like this ever before so today i called my doctor and she has given me a time in two days which is atleast good thing as i need help more than ever before at this time of life.
because the feelings of harming my self is on peak, there is so much darkness inside me that i am numb and super confused. i haven’t texted him from few days as i dont feel like it or may be i just want to see how he response. as i have told him that i want to be with him on my birthday, which is tomorrow luckily.
i was sure he wouldn’t contact me but to all my surprise he voice texted me a while ago and asking whats the plan for tomorrow?
on which i replied and said nothing free then he sent another message and asked isn’t tomorrow my birthday? and i said yeh and i am free on my birthday so if you want i can come tonight towards you and stay night there.
he said not tonight as he is very tired and not in good mood like me but i can come to his place tomorrow and hopefully he will be in party spirit. on which i agreed as today i am also having terrible day and i dont want to take my sadness and depression to him, as already we have so much to talk and discuss.
i should be happy that he remember to contact me and fulfil his promise of meeting on my birthday, but i ain’t feeling the happiness inside me. this whole confusion,darkness, sadness and silence is taking over on me and i feeling like a volcano from inside which will burst at anytime,i don’t want to cry but it will be good if i cry today as that might help to wash away the depression and i might be in good mood tomorrow when i visit him.
going towards him will not be easy for me as earlier we used to meet as friends, but now i have feelings for him while he doesn’t want this whole relationship thing i guess so it will be difficult task to do. and i hope i will be able to talk to him openly and may be i get some positive reply from him.
so tomorrow on my birthday either i will get complete rejection or i will get somehow acceptance from him, though i know i will be heartbroken as usual but still i dont have any option rather facing this reality………..

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