Good Morning.

i tried a lot to upload the blog from my iPhone but don’t know what’s wrong it didn’t upload.so here i am sitting on computer and writing another blog.
yesterday i slept at 0330 and suddenly woke up very thirsty at 0545 and drinking water for me was some sort of magic as soon as i drank water my sleep disappeared and since then i am awake and now its morning almost 0900.
which means its good morning but hold a second is it really good morning for me as i have slept only for 2 or something hours.i took another dose of pills but it seems like not working, so started listening to music.
but there is some huge restlessness inside me which i can’t explain in words. i want to fall asleep desperately but as you get desperate the things fall apart that’s what i have learnt in my sickness.
also how one can sleep when he has so much on plate. i have hundreds of things in my head going on as i can’t stop thinking so all these issues making me more depressed and nervous.
exactly one month has left to move out from the current place but i haven’t found any new place yet why because either places are too far away which i can’t chose as then i will not be able to come to work if i start working in next month.
2ndly the apartments are i find good are too expensive and i have so poor that i don’t have rent for this month. don’t know what will i do when the landlord comes in few days back from UK so how i will pay my rent.
i texted to one of my friend and was sure he will help me but he called and said he has no money as he has just bought house few months ago and he is paying those instalments.
now i don’t have any other friend has left because i have borrowed for them already.
now this is i called the perfect situation where you have no money , no place to move in the only option is to be on road but what will i do with all my luggage will i throw that away as i can’t carry my whole luggage with my self on the road. what a perfect life i have, people say i always blog depressive my answer is when you are in tough situation and things aint working in your favour you do get depressed and sick just like i am now.
wish i had guts to kill my self and end this chapter and misery of my life….

Hyper Mania 

Just after taking my night medications suddenly my hyper Mania kicked in and now I am full of energy and happiness laughing by my own dancing clapping and singing.to this end it’s good but I am scared that what If I go on peak level and like usual end up online shopping and buying things which I don’t need i will regret so much when this phase is over as after all spending money on not needed things is always bad.

These hyper Mania episodes were stopped earlier for couple of months but now they Are back pretty offer.

Waiting for 2nd July when I will meet my doctor and discuss it with her and see what she can do about it as already I am facing financial issues.

It’s 0415 and I am still wide awake 😢 while I wish I could sleep and get rid of this phase by tomorrow….

Losing Memory

i have been noticing that the day i started taking Flunatrizepam it has started affecting my memories. most of the time when i take them the next day when i wake up i don’t remember what i have done during that phase.

it might be side effects of these pills or may be i am having some other issues with my memory.the recent example is of today when i woke up and checked my mobile so i found i have texted few friends and left voice messages to my family members but i don’t remember using my phone or texting. all i remember is what time i went to bed. rest there is complete darkness no memories of either i have done anything or not?

though it’s good that i don’t remember things as the pain of depression is horrible. while on the flip side it’s risky as i keep using my phone and then don’t remember what i have said or texted to other people.

i must discuss this with my doctor when i will see her in next week.but i don’t want to quit flunatrizepam as i sleep with it like a baby for which i can compromise on memory loss….

Suicidal thoughts.

after long time my depressive episode is back. which means i have to stay in super depressive and destructive phase for few days. i hate bipolar disorder because when i am hyper mania phase then i do things which i shouldn’t be doing and regret later one.

on the other hand when i am in depressive phase the i turn more destructive and suicidal. currently i have being struggling with suicidal and harmful thoughts. i don’t feel proud on it but so far today i have burnt my hand through cigarette. which is an indication that this time the depressive episode will be bad i can only wish and hope that it will end up soon. as i don’t want to attempt suicide anymore, as i have been there long before.

i am scared from this depression as to be very honest right now my demon is telling me cut my hands and bleed myself. the craving for blood taste and smell is there with very strong intensity, so far i am controlling my self but don’t know how long i will be able to resist these urges.

Urdu poem

Ajeeb larka hon
mein khud ko jalana chata hon
mein khud ko kahin rakh kar
bhool jana chata hon
mery naseeb ki khushiyan mili kab mjhko
mein abb badnaseebi jeena chata hon
zindagi k is safar mein
kahin kho sa gaya hon mein
mein mar k phir say jena chata hon
rahat aur sakoon hai kahan
mein nashy mein musth Rehna Chata hon
pyar mjh say na ho paya waisy
tujh say ab nafrat karna chata hon
ajeeb larma hon
mein khud ko jalana chata hon

Woke up in middle of night.

When you wake up in the middle of night from a sound sleep after a long time and all of sudden your start feeling guilty of all your sins that you have done and there is part of you still want to kiss the demon and commit all those sins all over again.The urges of harming the urges of destruction keeps calling you towards them and forces you to be a biggest sinner which you havn’t seen or heard of.

At that moment you have no choice of rejecting your inner demon but ends up obeying him….

Nightmare.

Usually as an insomniac guy I hardly fall a sleep even consuming high dose of sleeping pills.but tonight I didn’t have to struggle much and fell asleep,even after two hours I woke up with horrible nightmare which is also common for me but this time it was really horrifying and now insomnia is back or I would say I scared of fall asleep again…. 😓😓😓

Greatest Curse.

the greatest curse one can have is the loneliness. And who will understand better than me as i am suffering from this curse since 2008. i took my sleeping pills and went to bed few hours ago and was about to fall asleep , when my mind took me back to 2008 the time which was and still my best and worst year of my life. best as i was with my love during that year and worst because he left me at the end of 2008 without giving me any reason or telling me anything.

so by that thoughts my sleep ran away and insomnia got over me.that’s how i am blogging as i cant sleep and can’t stop thinking about that time and still the question haunts me what was the reason that he left me at least i deserved an explanation,

here i would like to say thank you to insomnia for coming and keeping me awake.since then i am living with the curse of loneliness and don’t know how long i will survive with this. as my mental sickness is getting worst day by day and this loneliness is killing me slowly……….