Eid Mubarak.

finally it’s Eid day as usual for me it was like a normal day. why because i woke up late so missed the Eid prayers and then when i woke up i called my family as dad is also at home so whole family is complete except only i am missing among them. that made sad a lot and i cried as well but i didn’t show this to my family as usual i am a good actor so i acted like my Eid is going very well.

as they say mother always misses the the missing person in family. that’s why she asked me why didn’t i send the pictures today then she asked does it mean i didn’t buy new clothes for Eid this time? on which i said no i woke up late i will go out towards friends tomorrow so i will show the new clothes tomorrow.

while i lied to her again as i haven’t bought any clothes and i didn’t celebrate Eid and i have no friends towards whom i will go tomorrow. i have so called friends who used to stay in touch with me but now from few years they have cut off with me, so i don’t go out or hang out on.i stay home even on Eid day.i only go out when i need to buy food or i need to see my doctor once a month.

wish i could show my pain and sadness to someone that how much i miss my family and relatives on this day. wish i was there to celebrate Eid with them and participate in the happiness together. but i am not that lucky i can’t go to my country for 3 more years , and here living all alone sucks.

so many problems so many issues that i can’t talk about them wish anyone could see my tears but only Allah can see them and i hope He will have some mercy on me inshallah.

Date among deaths.

Last night I dreamt something really strange and horrifying. I saw I enter to my home and its the one where I was born not the one we are living in now.there I saw my dead grandmother is sitting and watching TV as i used I went and hugged her then asked what are you watching and she replied there is an interesting program I was going to offer prayers but your grandfather is in washroom,I was like where did he come from as he is long dead.in another corner I saw Ambreeen aunti sitting with Mehreen auntie and talking about someone I go there asked what are you guys talking about and Amber auntie tells me there is a proposal for Mehreen guy is not too old well established family but she is thinking too much.
On this i tell her if guy is good then go for it why are you so reluctant.
Then I saw there is a handsome guy comes in lamo comes out opens the door for me and I sat inside gosh he was so handsome and rich.he takes me on 7 course meal and later on he askes me where I would like to go and I say it’s been long time I haven’t been to club on which he says sure let’s go.and there we are enjoying gin and tonic and mostly not talking just looking at each other with shyness and passing smiles but deep down i started liking him alot.
After that I saw that am home again and he calls me that his friends wants to meet me so if I am OK he will send the car and we will go out for drinks on which I disagree and he says it’s ok but are we meeting later and I said yes anything for only you..
And that’s how my dream was ended and I woke up silly dreams sometimes you want to be stuck in them forever…

Insomnia all over again…

It’s friday night which means my migraine cycle will start as expected it’s strange but I do get migraine attack every Friday night till the end of Friday.

So I took meds for it along my other mental health pills and sleeping pills but been in bed from last 3 hours I am still wode awake and can’t see sleep coming. Which means migrane Is getting worse and I can’t take much more tablets all i need is good sleep strongly finished smoke and now craving for the smoke so badly, I do get these urges whenever I take migraine pills dont know what’s in those pills but it gives me these urges for smoke….