punishment or test?

some tests have no time duration the duration ends with death, until then you have to suffer i call it punishment ,others call it test from God,some call it bad luck ,some say its a curse whatever you call it , the result is that only you suffer with a pain so intense that it squeezes your soul the only way to temporarily relief is by indulging pain to your self in shape of what others call it harming ur self but for me this hurting or torturing my self reduces the intensity of the pain  that is given to you as a test or punishment.

yeh i know no one will agree nor i am expecting anyone to understand or sympathies as i dont need that…. u can only feel my suffering when you go through my situations in your life…..and yeh i know others might have worst cases than mine but aint we humans and selfishness is in our nature… except if we were angels,or the Sahaba Karam the true companionship of Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h or if we were prophet then we would have  definitely strongest level of patience but that isnt the case for me i am weak,sinner and poor human being… i do get hopeful and trying to hold on to think thread of hope but i also get angry, upset from God..just like a child asking something from mother and when he doesnt get that he get temporarily upset and angry on his mom……..

sorry for long post but just wanted to speak about it that may be someone is out there in same situations and miseries like so that i can tell them they are not alone they have a super psycho confused human who have found to deal with his miseries by destroying himself to get relief even its for few minutes……….. good night all you sweet friends…..