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New looks in spring…

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Rushing thoughts & depressive Episode.

i have never felt such rushing thoughts ever before i must say , the confusion ,sadness, guilty feelings worries and fear etc all are there. it feels like my brain is full of darkness and fog ,while i cant explain the exact situation in words that is going on inside my head.

here i will again say mental illness is such a painful illness that it’s the only illness that can’t be explained in words , and expressing true emotional imbalancement in exact true words hard. as there are no specific words for the expression.

i might have the option to blame it on my the new medicine called Brentelix 5mg, but i have been using them from past 2 and half months, and so far since i had increased the dosage upto 10mg per day i had two hyper manic episodes , which was the best time in order as i had lots of energy, lots of happiness but on the contrarily i did alot of bad things as i high . i stoned by smoking weeds, by snorting coke for the first time and also i was back on my SH (SELF HARM).

Now since i have slipped into depressive episode and i must say i had hardly such depressive episode ever before. i can’t control my rushing thoughts as there are so many ideas, thoughts, worries, guilts and pain that i can’t focus to handle one thing at a time.

it feels like i am again getting immune to these new meds as well which is again giving me more stress as this was new and latest medicine that released in the market and my doctor was pretty hopefull that this will work for me with the combination of my other meds.

but after using 2.5 months i can say i havn’t felt any improvement, as it gave me hyper manic episodes which isnt good for bipolar type 2, and now i have slipped into deep depressive episode, so the net result is again my body is immune to these meds.

going to see new doctor on 20th april ,2016 and i hope she will help me and won’t recommend me ECT as last option, cuz i aint ready for it, yes i am scared of it’s side effects of losing memory , plus once i go for it then i have to keep on getting it on regular inervals for almost life time, and also i have to used meds regularly for lifetime as well. so that’s why  i am not ready for it.

on the other hand it looks like the medicines are not working on my sister as she has getting hallucinations and self harming thoughts again thought she has been taking her meds regularly from 3 months.

also my mom has same condition her OCD is getting worst even though she is on meds for couple of months. i really wounder why the hell we all are immune to meds, and why dont we get better?

it’s almost early morning and i just prayed begged and cried Allah to help and have mercy i even asked him to give me the sickness of my sister and mom in return give them health and fast recovery as i cant see then in pain at any cost. my heart is bursting of pain that they are in so much pain i can relate to their sufferings as i have been struggling with similar or worst issues from years.

it might be consider as shirk or disobeying Allah but as i always kept on saying that i share love and hate relationship with my Allah. so tonight i am again complaining from Him that why is he not listening my begging? what will happen if he gives us all good health and good life, or at least He gives health to my mother and sister, in return i have asked him to give their illness to me but give them recovery inshallah.

why is He keeping me alive? as i cant bear this pain anyone , the only way i used to calm down my self though it was for an honour or so , but now He has taken away that relief from me as well, now SH doesnt realease my pain and gives me relaxation.

i really wish rather than giving me sufferings and pains in this world WHY not Allah takes me away and send me to eternal hell ,where i will be alone getting punishing and burning in hell, at least there i wouldn’t be worried about my loved ones and their pains, it will be me and my pains…….Please Allah either give us all good health and good life or end this for once and all, as i truely have no power left to fight with my own demons and deal with family issues, since i am stuck here as you know i cant go back, i cant support them financially and morally so what’s the meaning of my life? why are you keeping me alive so that other’s can laugh at me , make fun of me and i keep on drowing into my own guilts and keep harming my self, and finding peace and relaxation in drugs and other things.

last night i dreamt about my ex after years, and now i am in again gone back to the time when i was with him. since You have taken him from me then why are You showing him in my dreams, since he has long gone then why cant i forget him..why are you finding new ways to hurt me and increase my pains, am i such a biggest sinner of the universe????

 

 

Which Version of Islam?

which version of islam you are asking me to follow barelvi, deobandi, ahl-e-hadess,shia,ismaili,ahmadi,sulfi,wahabi,sufism,the new entry of TTP, Afghan Taliban,and how can i forget the ISIS version?
these are the few version/school of thoughts/interpretations that i have found Allah knows how many more are out there?
first decide which one is right and which one is wrong? which the so called school of thought or version will lead me to the heaven and which one will end me in hell. as i am sick of tired from your so called teachings and preachings,have you ever thought why the so called Muslim Ummah is destroying all over the world? its because everyone has made their own version and consider other sect followers as Kafir………
i respect every sect but i dont follow any that doesnt make me non Muslim. i follow the basic rule and teaching of Allah quran and Prophet Muhammad pbuh who had taught me to love and respect not only human beings but every single living thing including animals plants etc, accept every human being beyond their religion, colour ,ethnicity, sexuality, country ,religion, dialect and so on.
as a muslim i have to obey Allah and do good to everyone as much as i can do. rest let Allah decides who will end up in heaven or hell , and as far as i know for this purpose he has promised the day of judgement.Now one in this world can prove me that he or she has gotten the written letter or certificate from Allah that a certain sect or version of islam is on the track towards heaven while other will burn in hell. why the hell every muslim is trying to take the matter in his or her’s hands from Allah let Him do his Job and we should do our job which is to do good to others and make peace, love and make this world a peaceful world as much as we can.rest He is the creator so He knows his work the best of all we shouldnt intervene in His job.i wish every human muslim,christian,jews,hindus etc everyone understand this basic teaching then there is still hope for a loving peaceful world, before its too late………… (sorry for such a long essay:) but i had to spill it out. #world #muslims #division #stopwar #spreadloveandpeace #spreadlove #lovehumans #loveworld #unity #trueislam #noterrorism #nowar #letsworktogether #letsbuiltbetterworld.

Panama Papers

for upcoming days every minister of the so called govt , and all the political corrupt parties will totally deny ‪#‎panamapapers‬ just like few years ago they all denied Wiki leaks. i am damn sure no one will accept the corruption charges and proofs not only in ‪#‎pakistan‬ but all over the world. this will be remain the topic and highlight of every talk show for few days and then everyone will move on. for next time the mafia will figure out a more secure way of corruption only this change will happen after the #panamapapers leak scandal.