Rushing thoughts & depressive Episode.

i have never felt such rushing thoughts ever before i must say , the confusion ,sadness, guilty feelings worries and fear etc all are there. it feels like my brain is full of darkness and fog ,while i cant explain the exact situation in words that is going on inside my head.

here i will again say mental illness is such a painful illness that it’s the only illness that can’t be explained in words , and expressing true emotional imbalancement in exact true words hard. as there are no specific words for the expression.

i might have the option to blame it on my the new medicine called Brentelix 5mg, but i have been using them from past 2 and half months, and so far since i had increased the dosage upto 10mg per day i had two hyper manic episodes , which was the best time in order as i had lots of energy, lots of happiness but on the contrarily i did alot of bad things as i high . i stoned by smoking weeds, by snorting coke for the first time and also i was back on my SH (SELF HARM).

Now since i have slipped into depressive episode and i must say i had hardly such depressive episode ever before. i can’t control my rushing thoughts as there are so many ideas, thoughts, worries, guilts and pain that i can’t focus to handle one thing at a time.

it feels like i am again getting immune to these new meds as well which is again giving me more stress as this was new and latest medicine that released in the market and my doctor was pretty hopefull that this will work for me with the combination of my other meds.

but after using 2.5 months i can say i havn’t felt any improvement, as it gave me hyper manic episodes which isnt good for bipolar type 2, and now i have slipped into deep depressive episode, so the net result is again my body is immune to these meds.

going to see new doctor on 20th april ,2016 and i hope she will help me and won’t recommend me ECT as last option, cuz i aint ready for it, yes i am scared of it’s side effects of losing memory , plus once i go for it then i have to keep on getting it on regular inervals for almost life time, and also i have to used meds regularly for lifetime as well. so that’s why  i am not ready for it.

on the other hand it looks like the medicines are not working on my sister as she has getting hallucinations and self harming thoughts again thought she has been taking her meds regularly from 3 months.

also my mom has same condition her OCD is getting worst even though she is on meds for couple of months. i really wounder why the hell we all are immune to meds, and why dont we get better?

it’s almost early morning and i just prayed begged and cried Allah to help and have mercy i even asked him to give me the sickness of my sister and mom in return give them health and fast recovery as i cant see then in pain at any cost. my heart is bursting of pain that they are in so much pain i can relate to their sufferings as i have been struggling with similar or worst issues from years.

it might be consider as shirk or disobeying Allah but as i always kept on saying that i share love and hate relationship with my Allah. so tonight i am again complaining from Him that why is he not listening my begging? what will happen if he gives us all good health and good life, or at least He gives health to my mother and sister, in return i have asked him to give their illness to me but give them recovery inshallah.

why is He keeping me alive? as i cant bear this pain anyone , the only way i used to calm down my self though it was for an honour or so , but now He has taken away that relief from me as well, now SH doesnt realease my pain and gives me relaxation.

i really wish rather than giving me sufferings and pains in this world WHY not Allah takes me away and send me to eternal hell ,where i will be alone getting punishing and burning in hell, at least there i wouldn’t be worried about my loved ones and their pains, it will be me and my pains…….Please Allah either give us all good health and good life or end this for once and all, as i truely have no power left to fight with my own demons and deal with family issues, since i am stuck here as you know i cant go back, i cant support them financially and morally so what’s the meaning of my life? why are you keeping me alive so that other’s can laugh at me , make fun of me and i keep on drowing into my own guilts and keep harming my self, and finding peace and relaxation in drugs and other things.

last night i dreamt about my ex after years, and now i am in again gone back to the time when i was with him. since You have taken him from me then why are You showing him in my dreams, since he has long gone then why cant i forget him..why are you finding new ways to hurt me and increase my pains, am i such a biggest sinner of the universe????



Mental illness or Darkness.

we have been thought that nothing is impossible , but i differ to agree this myth as the most hardest and impossible thing is to express to the world what exactly is going on inside you. though people say that they understand but i haven’t seen anyone can understand the exact ratio of the pain that anyone is carrying on who is suffering from mental illness. as even science has no tests or measuring capacity to exactly know the brain and its process.

you are forced to keep on trying different anti depressant , mood stabilisers , anti psychotic drugs just you name it and i will say yes i have tried that and it didnt work.then there are psychologist/therapist in past 3 years i have been to many but everyone at the end gave up on me.

some thing i do these acts to seek attention, to create drama to gain sympathies etc etc. like seriously i am not in desperation for these as i have passed that age where everyone wants to be loved, popular etc.

all i want is to finish this fight that i am having inside me from ages it’s hard to put in words that how it feels to have darkness inside who is consuming you day by day by cutting a piece of your soul every time you resist him. i was wrong that i have suppressed my urges as it was one and half month ago since i last cut and burnt my self with smoke.

i was in denial as 3 days ago i was on my laptop watching some movie that the urges started all of sudden i tried my best to avoid them and divert my mind, but i could smell my blood, i was feeling like my veins are about to burst like a lava, i fought for few hours but at the end no one listen i prayed i begged Allah but my darkness was growing stronger, and at the end i did cut and burnt my hand.

again it’s very hard to put in words the moment when i cut my self and as soon as i saw the blood coming out i couldnt resist not to smell it and once i did then there was another stage of tasting that blood till it stops coming out… felt so relax calm and i didnt hear him for a while , i felt like i am normal human, but soon after that darkness asked for some more torture so i burnt my self, that felt comfortable and relieve as well.

and there you go from first step then to next and so on, in short now i am harming my self again i am back on smoking weed last night for the first time i snort coke , what an experienced it was felt like my darkness has stopped slicing my soul, my pain my guilts everything was gone i was in a place where there was peace and calmness.

yeh it felt like a dream and i wished it was a dream but when i woke up the next day i was full of rage and more guilts on what i have done with my self, as i had worked really hard to stay clean and stay away from this dirty hole where there is only darkness and nothing else.

but here i am in a real world and this is my reality that no matter how hard i try i will always fall in this as there is no cure for me or should i say for mental illnesses its a lie that mental illnesses are curable no its not and i know how and where it will end, the only to stop is to let it take me completely and surrender to  the darkness once and for all, thats how it will end, no matter what i do its part of me but i am scared of accepting it just like i am scared to accept my sexuality……………..

Which Version of Islam?

which version of islam you are asking me to follow barelvi, deobandi, ahl-e-hadess,shia,ismaili,ahmadi,sulfi,wahabi,sufism,the new entry of TTP, Afghan Taliban,and how can i forget the ISIS version?
these are the few version/school of thoughts/interpretations that i have found Allah knows how many more are out there?
first decide which one is right and which one is wrong? which the so called school of thought or version will lead me to the heaven and which one will end me in hell. as i am sick of tired from your so called teachings and preachings,have you ever thought why the so called Muslim Ummah is destroying all over the world? its because everyone has made their own version and consider other sect followers as Kafir………
i respect every sect but i dont follow any that doesnt make me non Muslim. i follow the basic rule and teaching of Allah quran and Prophet Muhammad pbuh who had taught me to love and respect not only human beings but every single living thing including animals plants etc, accept every human being beyond their religion, colour ,ethnicity, sexuality, country ,religion, dialect and so on.
as a muslim i have to obey Allah and do good to everyone as much as i can do. rest let Allah decides who will end up in heaven or hell , and as far as i know for this purpose he has promised the day of judgement.Now one in this world can prove me that he or she has gotten the written letter or certificate from Allah that a certain sect or version of islam is on the track towards heaven while other will burn in hell. why the hell every muslim is trying to take the matter in his or her’s hands from Allah let Him do his Job and we should do our job which is to do good to others and make peace, love and make this world a peaceful world as much as we He is the creator so He knows his work the best of all we shouldnt intervene in His job.i wish every human muslim,christian,jews,hindus etc everyone understand this basic teaching then there is still hope for a loving peaceful world, before its too late………… (sorry for such a long essay:) but i had to spill it out. #world #muslims #division #stopwar #spreadloveandpeace #spreadlove #lovehumans #loveworld #unity #trueislam #noterrorism #nowar #letsworktogether #letsbuiltbetterworld.

self destruction or self harm

Sensitive post…….
i dont know if this post will stay or get delete soon which is ok. as i cant share this on my wall and you guys are like family and i know most of you will worry and concern about me which i am really thankful for but please trust me i swear i Allah i was trying to control it from last few days but now it happened so abruptly that i didnt realise and i cut my self its not too deep so no need medical help but i swear guys the moment i cut and drank the blood it felt so soothing and relax that i cant tell you. i know self harm is haram and so does drinking or even tasting blood. i swear again it has nothing to do with tv series i cut and tasted my blood for the first time on Eid day when i was 7 years old and no my child abuse etc started at the age of 9 years. at 7 years i was super happy child my parents were together and true lover they had no fights etc at that time.i am saying this in detail so that no one gets this idea that i am doing it by getting inspiration from movies, or due to my abusive childhood or bad i said during that time i was super happy with perfect family in dubai. i still remember that when i went to kitchen but leg and start sucking the blood , while suddenly mom came and got pissed off and then both of them told me that’s its haram and not good.
so may be i have something wrong like mental illness at that time but my parents didnt figure it out infact they stuck into magic shit etc. and from there my self destructive journey started from time to time and now after a month and half i guess i did it again beside i am taking my regular medicines, seeing two different therapists, one nurse, two different most experienced psychologists twice a month. i am mashallah regular on salah from 7 months non stop, i do zikar i cant read quran as i cant speak arabic but i do read some surah ,darood shareef alot and other wazifa i do give sadqa (charity) on daily basis i do long dua’s and i am not saying iam very great muslim but i feel the way i cry and beg to allah in dua like literally i roll over on ground like a like crying for milk of mother.
i am might be among the very few persons who ask Allah that if you have decided to punish me that’s fine send me to hell as i know i dont deserve your forgiveness for many sins but the one which is strictly haram and unforgivable but all i want is a respectful life till i die , i want to earn haram food (rizaq) money so that i can feed my family give them halal food shelter and send them for umrah and hajj as i know and you no matter how much i wish i am so sinful that you will never invite to your great house.
lastly my biggest dream is to built a charity hospital in the name of my nana nani in village where poor can get free treatment, built charity homes like old age home and orphan house for the children…..if you give me these in my life i will be the happiest person in the world as i dont need anything i swear for my self, in return of all this if you think i deserve hell for my sins and specially the one which you know then i swear Allah i will obey with all my heart and run away to hell reciting Daroo e pak muhammad pbuh.
that’s all i want but its so much i am wanting and plus my time to time attempts of suicide and self harm is something i cant control along side my horrifying social phobia an anxiety……….
sorry dears for such long story but i just wanted to give you past and present scenario so that guys dont get wrong impression and judge me .i am not sharing photos of blood and cuts as that will be triggering and provoking others but anyone wants to see contact me in pm i will give you my twitter as i am sharing it there………love you and really pray no one ever suffer like me ameen suma ameen.

fighting my fate.

it’s been over a year since i have given up everything even my own happiness just to stay close to ALLAH i pray regularly, i give sadqa, i do zikar in short i try my best to stay as obedient muslim as i can.but still i can’t find peace no meds no prayers no vird etc is helping my inner storm to calm down. everything is getting out of my control i try to take one step in positive in return i am forced to to take 10 steps back.the expectations of my family is getting so high and my guilts and pain have taken over my every bone….i have never ever begged and cried so much in front of Allah and doing it non stop not only every salah but every time i raise my hands for dua……i am tired of hoping and staying positive, i am getting scare that my faith is fading , if i was forgiven then at least some small good thing might have happened in my life so far.i read somewhere that namaz (salah) washes away your sins and so does crying as Allah loves tears, but why my tears are feeling like just water? the only answer i can find is i am beyond forgiveness and i know which sin has blocked my Toba and forgiveness….(i know mostly will think i am thinking negatively and being harsh on my self and some will think i am post it for attention )i dont care what anyone thinks as no one can feel a fraction of the pain i am going through from years only those can know who has been through such darkness……..never felt this much helpless and in pain wish this ends right now but i know He will keep me alive to suffer more so even death is not an escape for me 😦 as i have to suffer for what i have done in past, the way i have disobeyed Allah, parents, and everyone……

at that time i was flying in clouds but didnt know the higher you fly the more forcefully you will hit the ground and get human i have a capacity everyone keeps on telling me to be positive , not to lose hope be strong but why do they forget that i am not super human or Allah. i am a human and humans can bear pain up to a limit. and i have no words to explain that how this pain has spread into my bones and veins with in last few years that now all i want is to end it but as i said He wont allow me to do it.

wish this pain,guilts, helplessness ,worthless all goes away and i get a second chance to mend my broken self ,relationship with family and with Allah. i dont think i am asking for too much am i??????

Panama Papers

for upcoming days every minister of the so called govt , and all the political corrupt parties will totally deny ‪#‎panamapapers‬ just like few years ago they all denied Wiki leaks. i am damn sure no one will accept the corruption charges and proofs not only in ‪#‎pakistan‬ but all over the world. this will be remain the topic and highlight of every talk show for few days and then everyone will move on. for next time the mafia will figure out a more secure way of corruption only this change will happen after the #panamapapers leak scandal.