we have been thought that nothing is impossible , but i differ to agree this myth as the most hardest and impossible thing is to express to the world what exactly is going on inside you. though people say that they understand but i haven’t seen anyone can understand the exact ratio of the pain that anyone is carrying on who is suffering from mental illness. as even science has no tests or measuring capacity to exactly know the brain and its process.
you are forced to keep on trying different anti depressant , mood stabilisers , anti psychotic drugs just you name it and i will say yes i have tried that and it didnt work.then there are psychologist/therapist in past 3 years i have been to many but everyone at the end gave up on me.
some thing i do these acts to seek attention, to create drama to gain sympathies etc etc. like seriously i am not in desperation for these as i have passed that age where everyone wants to be loved, popular etc.
all i want is to finish this fight that i am having inside me from ages it’s hard to put in words that how it feels to have darkness inside who is consuming you day by day by cutting a piece of your soul every time you resist him. i was wrong that i have suppressed my urges as it was one and half month ago since i last cut and burnt my self with smoke.
i was in denial as 3 days ago i was on my laptop watching some movie that the urges started all of sudden i tried my best to avoid them and divert my mind, but i could smell my blood, i was feeling like my veins are about to burst like a lava, i fought for few hours but at the end no one listen i prayed i begged Allah but my darkness was growing stronger, and at the end i did cut and burnt my hand.
again it’s very hard to put in words the moment when i cut my self and as soon as i saw the blood coming out i couldnt resist not to smell it and once i did then there was another stage of tasting that blood till it stops coming out…..it felt so relax calm and i didnt hear him for a while , i felt like i am normal human, but soon after that darkness asked for some more torture so i burnt my self, that felt comfortable and relieve as well.
and there you go from first step then to next and so on, in short now i am harming my self again i am back on smoking weed last night for the first time i snort coke , what an experienced it was felt like my darkness has stopped slicing my soul, my pain my guilts everything was gone i was in a place where there was peace and calmness.
yeh it felt like a dream and i wished it was a dream but when i woke up the next day i was full of rage and more guilts on what i have done with my self, as i had worked really hard to stay clean and stay away from this dirty hole where there is only darkness and nothing else.
but here i am in a real world and this is my reality that no matter how hard i try i will always fall in this as there is no cure for me or should i say for mental illnesses its a lie that mental illnesses are curable no its not and i know how and where it will end, the only to stop is to let it take me completely and surrender to the darkness once and for all, thats how it will end, no matter what i do its part of me but i am scared of accepting it just like i am scared to accept my sexuality……………..