it’s all over:(

i was so much excited for 30th december why because i was supposed to celebrate pre new year’s party with Him.everything was going according the plan i took metro at 2340 as he asked me to meet till 0030 at his home.though it was our 4th time that we were meeting, but i was smelling that something is wrong i was having one of the worst panic attacks on the way to him. the feeling of losing, the restlessness feeling and confusion was on peak, i thought its just that my medications are not working and i am thinking too much. so i ignored my gut feelings which always becomes true as i have this power of noticing things before they happen this time the gut feelings were very strong.on the whole way i was praying and wishing that tonight things get change between us and He calls it more than friendship. yeh i know things dont suppose to go so fast and the more fast you run the more strongly you will fall and it will hurt.
anyhow soon i reached at his place when i reached there suddenly i started feeling relax and soon i thought that see it was just a bad panic attack and things are fine.we started talking and drinking in a nice musical environment…
soon after few beers and gin n tonic i started feeling tipsy or i would kinda drunk yeh i did get high pretty quickly as i have taking my medications before so may be because of that i got into that phase but whatever it was i was feeling nice ,what i could wish for more than this . He was in front of me his legs were on my lap and i was playing with them as i love his feet so much ,drinking and chatting with him it was perfect how i have thought and dreamt for.
soon we were in some discussion and i dont remember what triggered that discussion all i remember that he asked to listen up him and He said something that i never wanted to hear or was not ready to hear so early but he might have smelled it and that’s why he brought this topic . He asked me that i shouldn’t ever fall in love with him as i should trust him he won’t be good boy friend to me . fuck as soon as i heard it something broke inside me so badly but i didnt show him that its too much to hear. i heard him and then i said that you might think you cant be good boy friend to me but i am sure that if there will ever be a boyfriend in my life that would be you and you are perfect in my eyes.
and we started discussing this he was stay true to his opinion and i was stuck to mine. but then i said ok let’s change the topic and if you don’t think i should ever fall in love with you then i wont but just stay as you are with me now and let’s keep this nice friendship forever . i was hiding my love for him behind the logo of friendship.
soon after that i dont remember what happened but all i remember is he was lying and i was in his arms and he asked me to look into his eyes and i just couldnt watch into his eyes and as soon as he asked again i burst into tears and the whole emotions just rushed out through my eyes and he noticed whats coming next , i told him that i can’t look into your eyes as i will fall in love all over again and i dont want to do that. on which i hugged me tight put my head on his chest and hold me tight.all i remember is he was telling me its ok Adi you haven’t lost me ,you won’t lose me at all i will always be here for you but my emotions were so hard that i just couldn’t stop crying and my broken heart wanted to burst into pieces.this continued for long time all i remember that he was making sure that i look into his eyes and calm down i did looked into his eyes few times with tears falling from my eyes and i think i noticed tears in his eyes too ,and felt like one of his part want to love me and hold me in his life but he is too strong to hold that feelings away dont know why he can’t be in my life as boyfriend . if he like me ,finds me handsome attractive then what is wrong to try out relationship?
there are so many questions that i am asking from my self and cursing my self why i met him in 1st place if it was supposed to come to this point:(
my gut feelings were not wrong this was coming but i just didn’t believed in my gut feelings and now i am broken into pieces. its new year’s eve everyone is happy and celebrating while i am crying on my fucked up life:(

Black day 16.12.2014

i wanted to write the blog yesterday but it was so hard for me to focus due to the tragic and brutal massacre of 132 innocent school children by the terrorists.i woke up in after and read the news on twitter oh god it was heart breaking. as i belong to Peshawar and i know this school i can’t believe of this incident. i am speechless and just tears are falling from yesterday:(
i dont know how one can kill innocent children in the name of Islam? this isnt my religion i might not be a good muslim but i am a good human for me its biggest sin to kill someone specially innocent children.these so called Talibans and terrorists are coward people with sick mentality they dont have the courage to come out and face us thats why the stay hidden in mountains and now they have proved again that they dont have guts to come out in light that’s why they attacked innocent children and teachers of school.
if any of these terroists prove me that its allowed to kill innocent people in islam i will do anything that they say. but i know they have no answer. i am not an extremist like them but those who are portraying the wrong image of my religion for them there shouldn’t be any mercy they all should be hanged to death and remove from the surface of this world.
every person in the world in condemning this tragedy and on behave of Pakistani people i am very thankful to the world.
in this world we don’t need any war but there isn’t any other way to stop these terrorists, as our government have tried negotiations already and every time Talibans have ruined it,so the last and final option is military action in order to save the innocent people from their terrorism and to make the world a peaceful and worth living place.
let’s say no to terrorism and let’s make this world a peaceful place to live together ….

3rd time

yesterday (saturday) at this time i was bored as usual so sent voice message to the special person i shouldn’t mention his name as he is too special for me:)luckily he replied me and we started talking here and there after some time he asked that if i want i can come to his place though is working on some music on which i said nah i dont want to disturb you, and he replied no its ok you wont.
i came up with a solution that if its ok with you i can come by later in night as its weekend so we can meet. as i was expecting a friend to return his cell phone that he has given me to repair for him. also it will take time for me to have dinner, then getting ready.
as he is too sweet and kind to me always he said ok you can come whenever you want all of sudden my depressive episode started turning into manic episode but it was fun as i had already bought liquor and i knew it will be awesome night together.
now all i was counting the time to pass and reach to him as fast as i can.anyhow i reached his place till 2310 and he guided me the way to his home as i am so bad in memorising the roads. but he was such a nice guide that i reached to his place safely:)
and then the fun began we started chatting on here and there and then after few drinks i got my strength to have a nice conversation with my sweetie. gosh the more i talk to him the more i meet him the more i like him .its hard to express these comfort and friendly feelings that i get for him when i am around him i really hope i do mean to him something. and with the passage of time he starts liking me the way i do….
as we didnt have any energy drink or coca cola so he came up with a suggestion to mix vodka with hot coffee on which i was surprised to hear as never heard nor tried it before.but as it was his suggestion how can i say no to him:) so tried it .and it tasted nice but for me it didnt work as i wasn’t getting drunk or tipsy i was getting more active may be it was because of coffee. but for him it was working great.
we stayed up till morning and then yeh we have our private fun after which we went to sleep:
today in afternoon we woke up with another private session .after which i have to come back to home and this epic time was about to end which i wish i could safe and freeze the time right there, but as they say you separate to meet again and i am sure he will be kind enough to invite me all over again soon……….:)