i have never felt such rushing thoughts ever before i must say , the confusion ,sadness, guilty feelings worries and fear etc all are there. it feels like my brain is full of darkness and fog ,while i cant explain the exact situation in words that is going on inside my head.
here i will again say mental illness is such a painful illness that it’s the only illness that can’t be explained in words , and expressing true emotional imbalancement in exact true words hard. as there are no specific words for the expression.
i might have the option to blame it on my the new medicine called Brentelix 5mg, but i have been using them from past 2 and half months, and so far since i had increased the dosage upto 10mg per day i had two hyper manic episodes , which was the best time in order as i had lots of energy, lots of happiness but on the contrarily i did alot of bad things as i high . i stoned by smoking weeds, by snorting coke for the first time and also i was back on my SH (SELF HARM).
Now since i have slipped into depressive episode and i must say i had hardly such depressive episode ever before. i can’t control my rushing thoughts as there are so many ideas, thoughts, worries, guilts and pain that i can’t focus to handle one thing at a time.
it feels like i am again getting immune to these new meds as well which is again giving me more stress as this was new and latest medicine that released in the market and my doctor was pretty hopefull that this will work for me with the combination of my other meds.
but after using 2.5 months i can say i havn’t felt any improvement, as it gave me hyper manic episodes which isnt good for bipolar type 2, and now i have slipped into deep depressive episode, so the net result is again my body is immune to these meds.
going to see new doctor on 20th april ,2016 and i hope she will help me and won’t recommend me ECT as last option, cuz i aint ready for it, yes i am scared of it’s side effects of losing memory , plus once i go for it then i have to keep on getting it on regular inervals for almost life time, and also i have to used meds regularly for lifetime as well. so that’s why i am not ready for it.
on the other hand it looks like the medicines are not working on my sister as she has getting hallucinations and self harming thoughts again thought she has been taking her meds regularly from 3 months.
also my mom has same condition her OCD is getting worst even though she is on meds for couple of months. i really wounder why the hell we all are immune to meds, and why dont we get better?
it’s almost early morning and i just prayed begged and cried Allah to help and have mercy i even asked him to give me the sickness of my sister and mom in return give them health and fast recovery as i cant see then in pain at any cost. my heart is bursting of pain that they are in so much pain i can relate to their sufferings as i have been struggling with similar or worst issues from years.
it might be consider as shirk or disobeying Allah but as i always kept on saying that i share love and hate relationship with my Allah. so tonight i am again complaining from Him that why is he not listening my begging? what will happen if he gives us all good health and good life, or at least He gives health to my mother and sister, in return i have asked him to give their illness to me but give them recovery inshallah.
why is He keeping me alive? as i cant bear this pain anyone , the only way i used to calm down my self though it was for an honour or so , but now He has taken away that relief from me as well, now SH doesnt realease my pain and gives me relaxation.
i really wish rather than giving me sufferings and pains in this world WHY not Allah takes me away and send me to eternal hell ,where i will be alone getting punishing and burning in hell, at least there i wouldn’t be worried about my loved ones and their pains, it will be me and my pains…….Please Allah either give us all good health and good life or end this for once and all, as i truely have no power left to fight with my own demons and deal with family issues, since i am stuck here as you know i cant go back, i cant support them financially and morally so what’s the meaning of my life? why are you keeping me alive so that other’s can laugh at me , make fun of me and i keep on drowing into my own guilts and keep harming my self, and finding peace and relaxation in drugs and other things.
last night i dreamt about my ex after years, and now i am in again gone back to the time when i was with him. since You have taken him from me then why are You showing him in my dreams, since he has long gone then why cant i forget him..why are you finding new ways to hurt me and increase my pains, am i such a biggest sinner of the universe????
we have been thought that nothing is impossible , but i differ to agree this myth as the most hardest and impossible thing is to express to the world what exactly is going on inside you. though people say that they understand but i haven’t seen anyone can understand the exact ratio of the pain that anyone is carrying on who is suffering from mental illness. as even science has no tests or measuring capacity to exactly know the brain and its process.
you are forced to keep on trying different anti depressant , mood stabilisers , anti psychotic drugs just you name it and i will say yes i have tried that and it didnt work.then there are psychologist/therapist in past 3 years i have been to many but everyone at the end gave up on me.
some thing i do these acts to seek attention, to create drama to gain sympathies etc etc. like seriously i am not in desperation for these as i have passed that age where everyone wants to be loved, popular etc.
all i want is to finish this fight that i am having inside me from ages it’s hard to put in words that how it feels to have darkness inside who is consuming you day by day by cutting a piece of your soul every time you resist him. i was wrong that i have suppressed my urges as it was one and half month ago since i last cut and burnt my self with smoke.
i was in denial as 3 days ago i was on my laptop watching some movie that the urges started all of sudden i tried my best to avoid them and divert my mind, but i could smell my blood, i was feeling like my veins are about to burst like a lava, i fought for few hours but at the end no one listen i prayed i begged Allah but my darkness was growing stronger, and at the end i did cut and burnt my hand.
again it’s very hard to put in words the moment when i cut my self and as soon as i saw the blood coming out i couldnt resist not to smell it and once i did then there was another stage of tasting that blood till it stops coming out…..it felt so relax calm and i didnt hear him for a while , i felt like i am normal human, but soon after that darkness asked for some more torture so i burnt my self, that felt comfortable and relieve as well.
and there you go from first step then to next and so on, in short now i am harming my self again i am back on smoking weed last night for the first time i snort coke , what an experienced it was felt like my darkness has stopped slicing my soul, my pain my guilts everything was gone i was in a place where there was peace and calmness.
yeh it felt like a dream and i wished it was a dream but when i woke up the next day i was full of rage and more guilts on what i have done with my self, as i had worked really hard to stay clean and stay away from this dirty hole where there is only darkness and nothing else.
but here i am in a real world and this is my reality that no matter how hard i try i will always fall in this as there is no cure for me or should i say for mental illnesses its a lie that mental illnesses are curable no its not and i know how and where it will end, the only to stop is to let it take me completely and surrender to the darkness once and for all, thats how it will end, no matter what i do its part of me but i am scared of accepting it just like i am scared to accept my sexuality……………..
i dont know if this post will stay or get delete soon which is ok. as i cant share this on my wall and you guys are like family and i know most of you will worry and concern about me which i am really thankful for but please trust me i swear i Allah i was trying to control it from last few days but now it happened so abruptly that i didnt realise and i cut my self its not too deep so no need medical help but i swear guys the moment i cut and drank the blood it felt so soothing and relax that i cant tell you. i know self harm is haram and so does drinking or even tasting blood. i swear again it has nothing to do with tv series i cut and tasted my blood for the first time on Eid day when i was 7 years old and no my child abuse etc started at the age of 9 years. at 7 years i was super happy child my parents were together and true lover they had no fights etc at that time.i am saying this in detail so that no one gets this idea that i am doing it by getting inspiration from movies, or due to my abusive childhood or bad parents.as i said during that time i was super happy with perfect family in dubai. i still remember that when i went to kitchen but leg and start sucking the blood , while suddenly mom came and got pissed off and then both of them told me that’s its haram and not good.
so may be i have something wrong like mental illness at that time but my parents didnt figure it out infact they stuck into magic shit etc. and from there my self destructive journey started from time to time and now after a month and half i guess i did it again beside i am taking my regular medicines, seeing two different therapists, one nurse, two different most experienced psychologists twice a month. i am mashallah regular on salah from 7 months non stop, i do zikar i cant read quran as i cant speak arabic but i do read some surah ,darood shareef alot and other wazifa i do give sadqa (charity) on daily basis i do long dua’s and i am not saying iam very great muslim but i feel the way i cry and beg to allah in dua like literally i roll over on ground like a like crying for milk of mother.
i am might be among the very few persons who ask Allah that if you have decided to punish me that’s fine send me to hell as i know i dont deserve your forgiveness for many sins but the one which is strictly haram and unforgivable but all i want is a respectful life till i die , i want to earn haram food (rizaq) money so that i can feed my family give them halal food shelter and send them for umrah and hajj as i know and you no matter how much i wish i am so sinful that you will never invite to your great house.
lastly my biggest dream is to built a charity hospital in the name of my nana nani in village where poor can get free treatment, built charity homes like old age home and orphan house for the children…..if you give me these in my life i will be the happiest person in the world as i dont need anything i swear for my self, in return of all this if you think i deserve hell for my sins and specially the one which you know then i swear Allah i will obey with all my heart and run away to hell reciting Daroo e pak muhammad pbuh.
that’s all i want but its so much i am wanting and plus my time to time attempts of suicide and self harm is something i cant control along side my horrifying social phobia an anxiety……….
sorry dears for such long story but i just wanted to give you past and present scenario so that guys dont get wrong impression and judge me .i am not sharing photos of blood and cuts as that will be triggering and provoking others but anyone wants to see contact me in pm i will give you my twitter as i am sharing it there………love you and really pray no one ever suffer like me ameen suma ameen.
It’s friday night which means my migraine cycle will start as expected it’s strange but I do get migraine attack every Friday night till the end of Friday.
So I took meds for it along my other mental health pills and sleeping pills but been in bed from last 3 hours I am still wode awake and can’t see sleep coming. Which means migrane Is getting worse and I can’t take much more tablets all i need is good sleep strongly finished smoke and now craving for the smoke so badly, I do get these urges whenever I take migraine pills dont know what’s in those pills but it gives me these urges for smoke….
Blood test On the way to blood tests I fucking hate these weekly monthly tests dear Lithium why dont you concentrate normally in my blood so that I don’t have to take the tests
Not that I am scared of needles infact l love but getting up early and doing tests in specific time sucks….
so because i was too anxious last night about seeing the new doctor today i didn’t sleep at all. and it’s killing me as i have already gotten migraine early in the morning.
anyhow i went for my appointment and after a little hustle i found the clinic place. i was told to sit and wait for doctor during that stay which were like 20 minutes i got so nervous and got panic attack.
luckily the doctor called my name and took a deep breath and got up from the chair in head i was feeling like i will fall as there were some other patients as well.
anyhow she greeted me and took me to her room where told me that today she will just ask me questions and not start treatment.which i agreed.
after many questions which she was confirming with my record from previous doctor. at the end she came to a conclusion that she will refer me to another doctor who is expert in Bipolar disorder, and i have to wait for new appointment.
as i have my medications so she said i have to carry on with them she just put a new one called Inderal as she said this will reduce my shivering problem.
after leaving her i felt like i have achieved something, but then there was another task which is most important and that is going to the social services office so that they can help me with finance and accommodation.
so i took train and then buss to Skärholmen where i find out the office. in heart i was so worried that what they reject me just like the previous one,anyhow i entered the office and at reception i asked that if she can book a time because i need help with finance. on which the lady said it doesn’t work like this, she gave me a number on which i have to call and talk to them then they will decided if i need to booked with officer or not.
unfortunately the phone timing was over so now i have to wait till tomorrow morning from 0900 to 1130 to make a call and convince then that my issues is important.
i really don’t like to be in this state of mind where i keep on thinking and worrying about a specific thing, its a torture for me. now i have to keep waiting till tomorrow and thinking what will they say as from previous experience i have noticed on phone they don’t pay that much attention and just end up the call quickly. so let’s see what tomorrow brings for me….
Can’t sleep due to worrying about today’s appointment with new psykatrist don’t know who is she or he and how he/she will behave with me will he/she understand my situation all these questions and worries are keep me awake though I need sleep as i have a long time not only i will see doctor but also I will see social services and hope they will help me in finding a place to stay as my current contract is going to end my the end of this month and I have no place to move in other than that I need financial support and that can only be done by social services. So all these worries are keeping me awake even though I have taken my pills on time keeping my fingers crossed……
i tried a lot to upload the blog from my iPhone but don’t know what’s wrong it didn’t upload.so here i am sitting on computer and writing another blog.
yesterday i slept at 0330 and suddenly woke up very thirsty at 0545 and drinking water for me was some sort of magic as soon as i drank water my sleep disappeared and since then i am awake and now its morning almost 0900.
which means its good morning but hold a second is it really good morning for me as i have slept only for 2 or something hours.i took another dose of pills but it seems like not working, so started listening to music.
but there is some huge restlessness inside me which i can’t explain in words. i want to fall asleep desperately but as you get desperate the things fall apart that’s what i have learnt in my sickness.
also how one can sleep when he has so much on plate. i have hundreds of things in my head going on as i can’t stop thinking so all these issues making me more depressed and nervous.
exactly one month has left to move out from the current place but i haven’t found any new place yet why because either places are too far away which i can’t chose as then i will not be able to come to work if i start working in next month.
2ndly the apartments are i find good are too expensive and i have so poor that i don’t have rent for this month. don’t know what will i do when the landlord comes in few days back from UK so how i will pay my rent.
i texted to one of my friend and was sure he will help me but he called and said he has no money as he has just bought house few months ago and he is paying those instalments.
now i don’t have any other friend has left because i have borrowed for them already.
now this is i called the perfect situation where you have no money , no place to move in the only option is to be on road but what will i do with all my luggage will i throw that away as i can’t carry my whole luggage with my self on the road. what a perfect life i have, people say i always blog depressive my answer is when you are in tough situation and things aint working in your favour you do get depressed and sick just like i am now.
wish i had guts to kill my self and end this chapter and misery of my life….
Just after taking my night medications suddenly my hyper Mania kicked in and now I am full of energy and happiness laughing by my own dancing clapping and singing.to this end it’s good but I am scared that what If I go on peak level and like usual end up online shopping and buying things which I don’t need i will regret so much when this phase is over as after all spending money on not needed things is always bad.
These hyper Mania episodes were stopped earlier for couple of months but now they Are back pretty offer.
Waiting for 2nd July when I will meet my doctor and discuss it with her and see what she can do about it as already I am facing financial issues.
It’s 0415 and I am still wide awake 😢 while I wish I could sleep and get rid of this phase by tomorrow….