i dont know if this post will stay or get delete soon which is ok. as i cant share this on my wall and you guys are like family and i know most of you will worry and concern about me which i am really thankful for but please trust me i swear i Allah i was trying to control it from last few days but now it happened so abruptly that i didnt realise and i cut my self its not too deep so no need medical help but i swear guys the moment i cut and drank the blood it felt so soothing and relax that i cant tell you. i know self harm is haram and so does drinking or even tasting blood. i swear again it has nothing to do with tv series i cut and tasted my blood for the first time on Eid day when i was 7 years old and no my child abuse etc started at the age of 9 years. at 7 years i was super happy child my parents were together and true lover they had no fights etc at that time.i am saying this in detail so that no one gets this idea that i am doing it by getting inspiration from movies, or due to my abusive childhood or bad parents.as i said during that time i was super happy with perfect family in dubai. i still remember that when i went to kitchen but leg and start sucking the blood , while suddenly mom came and got pissed off and then both of them told me that’s its haram and not good.
so may be i have something wrong like mental illness at that time but my parents didnt figure it out infact they stuck into magic shit etc. and from there my self destructive journey started from time to time and now after a month and half i guess i did it again beside i am taking my regular medicines, seeing two different therapists, one nurse, two different most experienced psychologists twice a month. i am mashallah regular on salah from 7 months non stop, i do zikar i cant read quran as i cant speak arabic but i do read some surah ,darood shareef alot and other wazifa i do give sadqa (charity) on daily basis i do long dua’s and i am not saying iam very great muslim but i feel the way i cry and beg to allah in dua like literally i roll over on ground like a like crying for milk of mother.
i am might be among the very few persons who ask Allah that if you have decided to punish me that’s fine send me to hell as i know i dont deserve your forgiveness for many sins but the one which is strictly haram and unforgivable but all i want is a respectful life till i die , i want to earn haram food (rizaq) money so that i can feed my family give them halal food shelter and send them for umrah and hajj as i know and you no matter how much i wish i am so sinful that you will never invite to your great house.
lastly my biggest dream is to built a charity hospital in the name of my nana nani in village where poor can get free treatment, built charity homes like old age home and orphan house for the children…..if you give me these in my life i will be the happiest person in the world as i dont need anything i swear for my self, in return of all this if you think i deserve hell for my sins and specially the one which you know then i swear Allah i will obey with all my heart and run away to hell reciting Daroo e pak muhammad pbuh.
that’s all i want but its so much i am wanting and plus my time to time attempts of suicide and self harm is something i cant control along side my horrifying social phobia an anxiety……….
sorry dears for such long story but i just wanted to give you past and present scenario so that guys dont get wrong impression and judge me .i am not sharing photos of blood and cuts as that will be triggering and provoking others but anyone wants to see contact me in pm i will give you my twitter as i am sharing it there………love you and really pray no one ever suffer like me ameen suma ameen.
i am stuck in my story writing the situation is two gay brothers who are in love with same guy but they dont know that their love in same person, and that third person is kind flirting with both brothers at different times. but one day the brothers find out so my question how to plot the story further? should they both end up with this guy, but they are in so much love that they kinda worship this person. so one option is that one brother sacrifice his love for his brother? the second option is they both throw him out of their lives and move out? what do you guys suggest as i want to make it painful for both the brothers as i believe and have experienced love always end in pain…but i need some other tragic or different climax not some regular or typical climax of regular love stories….
i will appreciate you suggestion hope i will get some dark painful suggestion. though i have planed what i want at the end ,but just want your stance…. thanks
i will never understand why we as muslims are to judgemental? why one sect declares other sect as kafir? why we judge others and try to impose our believes on them? just came across of a clip of a talk show that was discussing a pakistani porn star. she is claiming that she is practicing muslim she offers her prayers regularly but i was ashamed by reading the comments on this clip, the way every one was cursing and abusing her, some were saying she has done it to seek asylum in US, while another group were giving fatwa of killing her as according to them she is no more muslim.
i aint her lawyer and not supporting her act that’s her life she is mature enough and she knows what’s wrong or right.i respect and believe in freedom of speech though according to some scholars there isn’t any chance regarding freedom of speech but that’s another debate.
i am entitled to my views, as a muslim my question is very simple and common why we as muslim and pakistan gets so hyper that start giving fatwas on one another of being kafir or sinner?
as far as i know fatwa can be given only by the state not by every common person, if you give this right to everyone then every single person will start killing another person if he or she is not following the same sect, or practicing the religion in the a certain person is demanding.where are we going with all this? haven’t we shed a lot of blood in the name of sect, in the name of religion, culture and so and on? where its leading us? i mean look at the whole muslim world every single person wants to kill another person on small issues or if he or she doesn’t fit in his believes and school of thought.
fine lets suppose what she is doing wrong.and even i have been getting threats since i came out to one of my very 18years old best friend, and the moment i told him that i am asexual so he started lecturing me that oh you are sinner you are not muslim anymore you should ask for forgiveness and repeat towards Allah.and when i asked him lets debate and prove that its haram in islam, how can i find it sin or sickness as i believe every is the creature of Allah and Allah never creates anyone incomplete He is the best creature.
as far as i have read islam and researched it , its very simple the whole life of prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h spent his whole life in preaching to worship Allah and love every human being beside their cultures,country, religion, sexuality , even i believe the basic teachings of islam and Allah his to love,respect and give equality to other humans unconditionally, and that’s what prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h did His whole life.
if anyone is doing sin like drinking alcohol, eating pork or doing anything bother bad or sins so my prophet muhammad p.b.u.h ask us to pray for his or her from Allah to give them the power to be on the right path, i have never read where Allah or prophet muhammad p.b.u.h has order to kill or hate , in fact he asked us to hate the person’s sin and wrong doing not the hate the person.
as we have no right to judge anyone and decide the fate for that person and give him or her the fatwa and ask to kill them.
my interpretation of islam is simple love everyone without condition, and try to live to with each other in peace ,love and give respect each other.so if she is porn star or i am asexual you have no right to judge me or hate me, lets suppose we homosexuals or this porn star is sinner then who are we to judge and decide punishment?
this is the duty of ALLAH to decide who who is sinner and punishable and for that He has promised about the day of judgement so we all should leave His do his job and we should not take law in our hands and try to be Allah.
we are also the creatures of Allah and Allah loves every single human more than 70 mothers. plus the hades which says that hate the sin of the person if you feel certain person is doing sin but never hate that person and make pryers and ask Allah to direct towards the right path.
we are all humans and i believe if we develops tolerance and start living together by giving respect ,love and honour every single person beyond their religion, culture ,colour, country, language and sexuality then inshallah we will be able to make this world a peaceful full of love. we have shed a lot of blood already now its time to open up of minds and start excepting other for who they are, only this way we will eliminate the terrorists from the world who is destroying not only world but brainwashing everyone and force them to spread hate towards other humans beings on the basis of sect,religion etc.
if someone is doing porn that’s her private life and if i am asexual so i will sleep in my own grave and only answerable to Allah not any other human until unless to bring any harm or disrespect no one has the right to discriminate anything on any basis.
i know i will get a lot of hate and mostly will critic that i am promoting western culture since i am not living in pakistan but that’s not i am as patriot and muslim as another other ,the other difference is i have respect ,tolerance which is very needed these days and i respect every one no matter who the person is.
lastly i really wish my message will convey and if one i can change on person thinking it will be my success inshallah.let us Allah give us the power to love other humans unconditionally ameen.
is not obeying religion/islam the best way we have taught from Prophet p.b.u.h is to pray for that person that Allah shows him/her the right path……….that’s what i believe islam’s basic teaching are not that we start labelling someone or criticise what they are doing, we dont know what reason and situation made her or him life this………….. if we all muslims understand this basic teaching of love,peace, harmony and equality then the world would have no place for the fundamentalist and IS or any other extremists .hope someone will try to spread this awareness as i am tired of this whole labelling abusive things that how that certain sect or school of thought is kafir and the homosexuality is abomination etc etc. let’s live together accept each other with love,equality and respect that’s how we will create peace and harmony in this world inshallah.
good night all from stockholm stay bless .
Last night I dreamt something really strange and horrifying. I saw I enter to my home and its the one where I was born not the one we are living in now.there I saw my dead grandmother is sitting and watching TV as i used I went and hugged her then asked what are you watching and she replied there is an interesting program I was going to offer prayers but your grandfather is in washroom,I was like where did he come from as he is long dead.in another corner I saw Ambreeen aunti sitting with Mehreen auntie and talking about someone I go there asked what are you guys talking about and Amber auntie tells me there is a proposal for Mehreen guy is not too old well established family but she is thinking too much.
On this i tell her if guy is good then go for it why are you so reluctant.
Then I saw there is a handsome guy comes in lamo comes out opens the door for me and I sat inside gosh he was so handsome and rich.he takes me on 7 course meal and later on he askes me where I would like to go and I say it’s been long time I haven’t been to club on which he says sure let’s go.and there we are enjoying gin and tonic and mostly not talking just looking at each other with shyness and passing smiles but deep down i started liking him alot.
After that I saw that am home again and he calls me that his friends wants to meet me so if I am OK he will send the car and we will go out for drinks on which I disagree and he says it’s ok but are we meeting later and I said yes anything for only you..
And that’s how my dream was ended and I woke up silly dreams sometimes you want to be stuck in them forever…
I have so much to say but will keep it simple and short as much as I can.there was a guy born in Muslim country and the society was too religious His childhood was tormenting as he faced not only sexual abuse but also verbal abuse as he was a feminine shy kinda guy. So he never told about the sexual or Verbal abuse he keep it inside his heart cursing him self, once he tried to end his life but that didn’t work as his mother came to know and she ran him to hospital.mom asked many times but he never told her anything ad he knew if he will tell they will kill him. As this was the custom and law to kill queer guys soon he went to university where things got worst as not only his classmates bullied him but teacher as well. There he meet a guy on Internet he was studying medicine that time after few months they met and this guy fell in love with doctor.for almost a year the kept their relationship secret one day doctor left the guy without any reason. The guy still wants his answers but he can’t reach to him later he discovered that doc has got married to a girl. This guy flew to Europe but here things were different LGBT community is all about masculine and big tools and most of the guys he interacted used to call him a terrorist Muslim. This made him more upset as in 6 years of staying in Europe and still the guy is looking for acceptance. Being so neglecting he has nothing more to rather kill himself but he never succeeded in it. He end up harming him self and seeking professional health was good but soon doctors told him he can’t not be curved as meds aint working and the keep on cutting himself.as he is bipolar with severe social phobia and insomnia though he is taking many pills but the rejection and not being accepted in the world is his question and the answer is he must end his life as neither his family and country will accept him now the county he is living in…..😢😢😢😢
it’s summer time and everyone out there is happy and in good mood while i am reverse and totally opposite from others.i dont feel anything except darkness and sadness.
today i was supposed to make a call to psychiatry Hospital so that i can get an appointment from a Doctor. As my last doctor who were treating me from the last one year have given up on me.
and she have suggested that i must find another doctor so i gave a call to hospital today and they told me that on Monday a nurse will call me and she will interrogate me then she will fix my appointment with a professional doctor.
i hope there i will find a doctor who is willing to help me to stop chasing the demon in darkness and get a light in life.
yesterday he confirmed that i can visit him.so i freshen up and left for his place at 2256 had a bottle of vodka and some red bulls so took them along my side. i reached at his building till 2335 texted him to come down to open the entrance door for me, he replied that he will be down in a sec. but it wasn’t just few seconds he took almost 13 minutes and i was standing in freezing windy cold. it wasn’t bad at all because after all i was having my time with him after 29 days so the excitement was at its peak:)
anyhow he came down and apologised as he was busy on skype meeting though he thought it will end by now but due to some reason the meeting got lengthy and that’s why he took long time to come down and open the door. but i didnt mind that come on how can i mind anything from him:)
anyhow i went to his place, he asked me to give him sometime so that he can finish is meeting and i agreed.
he quickly winded up his meeting and then suddenly turned to me and said Happy birthday come on give me a hug, on which i smiled and said birthday is gone as its 0018 he said no worries just give me hug so i hugged him tight and gave him a kiss on his neck wow gosh i love his skin smell and i have missed his arms around me so much.
from there we started talking slowly infact i was kinda distracted by some random thoughts in my head about us, and he figured it out quickly and said to me YOU look pretty lost in thoughts, and i replied yeh i am on which he asked i am here tell me whatever is bothering you. i replied i can’t tell you know let me give sometime i will discuss it with you and he smiled and said of course.
fast forwarding the night we started drinking and slowly as i felt the kick and kinda gathered my confidence i brought up the topic of feelings from our last time meet up and from there onward we had a long debate till late in night while enjoying drinks and i was falling for him all over again from inside , though he still believes i dont have geniun feelings for him but i have left it on time. let the time decide on that.
later i was almost drunk and we ran short of alcohol which wasn’t good.. but my mood was great so romantic and sweet … again fast forward here we end up lying in bed together my head was on his chest playing , fingers were playing through his hair chest and gosh that was the time i wanted to stop forever and live in there forever:)….
after a real awesome period it was time to sleep as i was supposed to be up in day time to catch up on my doctor’s appointment… so in a little while he fell asleep like a child and i couldnt sleep whole night as i was just looking at him and thinking how much i like this amazing person, when night turned into day and when my alarm started i didnt notice, as time flew by so fast and then it was time to wake him up so that he can lock the door after i leave. he woke up pretty grumpy wish i wouldn’t have done that but i didnt have any choice.
and then i left his place giving him a big hug and kissing him… it was one of the best nights as usual and best birthday in years as i wasn’t alone on this birthday, i got to spend the whole night with someone very close and dear to me….
now i am home too tired need to sleep now as i am supposed to be awake by 0640 in morning to catch up another doctor meet up. but wanted to share the new chapter of my life:)