I have so much to say but will keep it simple and short as much as I can.there was a guy born in Muslim country and the society was too religious His childhood was tormenting as he faced not only sexual abuse but also verbal abuse as he was a feminine shy kinda guy. So he never told about the sexual or Verbal abuse he keep it inside his heart cursing him self, once he tried to end his life but that didn’t work as his mother came to know and she ran him to hospital.mom asked many times but he never told her anything ad he knew if he will tell they will kill him. As this was the custom and law to kill queer guys soon he went to university where things got worst as not only his classmates bullied him but teacher as well. There he meet a guy on Internet he was studying medicine that time after few months they met and this guy fell in love with doctor.for almost a year the kept their relationship secret one day doctor left the guy without any reason. The guy still wants his answers but he can’t reach to him later he discovered that doc has got married to a girl. This guy flew to Europe but here things were different LGBT community is all about masculine and big tools and most of the guys he interacted used to call him a terrorist Muslim. This made him more upset as in 6 years of staying in Europe and still the guy is looking for acceptance. Being so neglecting he has nothing more to rather kill himself but he never succeeded in it. He end up harming him self and seeking professional health was good but soon doctors told him he can’t not be curved as meds aint working and the keep on cutting himself.as he is bipolar with severe social phobia and insomnia though he is taking many pills but the rejection and not being accepted in the world is his question and the answer is he must end his life as neither his family and country will accept him now the county he is living in…..😢😢😢😢
it’s summer time and everyone out there is happy and in good mood while i am reverse and totally opposite from others.i dont feel anything except darkness and sadness.
today i was supposed to make a call to psychiatry Hospital so that i can get an appointment from a Doctor. As my last doctor who were treating me from the last one year have given up on me.
and she have suggested that i must find another doctor so i gave a call to hospital today and they told me that on Monday a nurse will call me and she will interrogate me then she will fix my appointment with a professional doctor.
i hope there i will find a doctor who is willing to help me to stop chasing the demon in darkness and get a light in life.
yesterday he confirmed that i can visit him.so i freshen up and left for his place at 2256 had a bottle of vodka and some red bulls so took them along my side. i reached at his building till 2335 texted him to come down to open the entrance door for me, he replied that he will be down in a sec. but it wasn’t just few seconds he took almost 13 minutes and i was standing in freezing windy cold. it wasn’t bad at all because after all i was having my time with him after 29 days so the excitement was at its peak:)
anyhow he came down and apologised as he was busy on skype meeting though he thought it will end by now but due to some reason the meeting got lengthy and that’s why he took long time to come down and open the door. but i didnt mind that come on how can i mind anything from him:)
anyhow i went to his place, he asked me to give him sometime so that he can finish is meeting and i agreed.
he quickly winded up his meeting and then suddenly turned to me and said Happy birthday come on give me a hug, on which i smiled and said birthday is gone as its 0018 he said no worries just give me hug so i hugged him tight and gave him a kiss on his neck wow gosh i love his skin smell and i have missed his arms around me so much.
from there we started talking slowly infact i was kinda distracted by some random thoughts in my head about us, and he figured it out quickly and said to me YOU look pretty lost in thoughts, and i replied yeh i am on which he asked i am here tell me whatever is bothering you. i replied i can’t tell you know let me give sometime i will discuss it with you and he smiled and said of course.
fast forwarding the night we started drinking and slowly as i felt the kick and kinda gathered my confidence i brought up the topic of feelings from our last time meet up and from there onward we had a long debate till late in night while enjoying drinks and i was falling for him all over again from inside , though he still believes i dont have geniun feelings for him but i have left it on time. let the time decide on that.
later i was almost drunk and we ran short of alcohol which wasn’t good.. but my mood was great so romantic and sweet … again fast forward here we end up lying in bed together my head was on his chest playing , fingers were playing through his hair chest and gosh that was the time i wanted to stop forever and live in there forever:)….
after a real awesome period it was time to sleep as i was supposed to be up in day time to catch up on my doctor’s appointment… so in a little while he fell asleep like a child and i couldnt sleep whole night as i was just looking at him and thinking how much i like this amazing person, when night turned into day and when my alarm started i didnt notice, as time flew by so fast and then it was time to wake him up so that he can lock the door after i leave. he woke up pretty grumpy wish i wouldn’t have done that but i didnt have any choice.
and then i left his place giving him a big hug and kissing him… it was one of the best nights as usual and best birthday in years as i wasn’t alone on this birthday, i got to spend the whole night with someone very close and dear to me….
now i am home too tired need to sleep now as i am supposed to be awake by 0640 in morning to catch up another doctor meet up. but wanted to share the new chapter of my life:)
i was so much excited for 30th december why because i was supposed to celebrate pre new year’s party with Him.everything was going according the plan i took metro at 2340 as he asked me to meet till 0030 at his home.though it was our 4th time that we were meeting, but i was smelling that something is wrong i was having one of the worst panic attacks on the way to him. the feeling of losing, the restlessness feeling and confusion was on peak, i thought its just that my medications are not working and i am thinking too much. so i ignored my gut feelings which always becomes true as i have this power of noticing things before they happen this time the gut feelings were very strong.on the whole way i was praying and wishing that tonight things get change between us and He calls it more than friendship. yeh i know things dont suppose to go so fast and the more fast you run the more strongly you will fall and it will hurt.
anyhow soon i reached at his place when i reached there suddenly i started feeling relax and soon i thought that see it was just a bad panic attack and things are fine.we started talking and drinking in a nice musical environment…
soon after few beers and gin n tonic i started feeling tipsy or i would kinda drunk yeh i did get high pretty quickly as i have taking my medications before so may be because of that i got into that phase but whatever it was i was feeling nice ,what i could wish for more than this . He was in front of me his legs were on my lap and i was playing with them as i love his feet so much ,drinking and chatting with him it was perfect how i have thought and dreamt for.
soon we were in some discussion and i dont remember what triggered that discussion all i remember that he asked to listen up him and He said something that i never wanted to hear or was not ready to hear so early but he might have smelled it and that’s why he brought this topic . He asked me that i shouldn’t ever fall in love with him as i should trust him he won’t be good boy friend to me . fuck as soon as i heard it something broke inside me so badly but i didnt show him that its too much to hear. i heard him and then i said that you might think you cant be good boy friend to me but i am sure that if there will ever be a boyfriend in my life that would be you and you are perfect in my eyes.
and we started discussing this he was stay true to his opinion and i was stuck to mine. but then i said ok let’s change the topic and if you don’t think i should ever fall in love with you then i wont but just stay as you are with me now and let’s keep this nice friendship forever . i was hiding my love for him behind the logo of friendship.
soon after that i dont remember what happened but all i remember is he was lying and i was in his arms and he asked me to look into his eyes and i just couldnt watch into his eyes and as soon as he asked again i burst into tears and the whole emotions just rushed out through my eyes and he noticed whats coming next , i told him that i can’t look into your eyes as i will fall in love all over again and i dont want to do that. on which i hugged me tight put my head on his chest and hold me tight.all i remember is he was telling me its ok Adi you haven’t lost me ,you won’t lose me at all i will always be here for you but my emotions were so hard that i just couldn’t stop crying and my broken heart wanted to burst into pieces.this continued for long time all i remember that he was making sure that i look into his eyes and calm down i did looked into his eyes few times with tears falling from my eyes and i think i noticed tears in his eyes too ,and felt like one of his part want to love me and hold me in his life but he is too strong to hold that feelings away dont know why he can’t be in my life as boyfriend . if he like me ,finds me handsome attractive then what is wrong to try out relationship?
there are so many questions that i am asking from my self and cursing my self why i met him in 1st place if it was supposed to come to this point:(
my gut feelings were not wrong this was coming but i just didn’t believed in my gut feelings and now i am broken into pieces. its new year’s eve everyone is happy and celebrating while i am crying on my fucked up life:(
well its been almost two weeks i haven’t heard from him. though i have left him audio messages on whatsapp pretty frequently , but he didn’t reply. which increased my depression and i ended up into sever depressive episode that i haven’t experienced so far.
there were questions in my head that were bothering me like,
did he lose interest in me?
what i have done to made him upset?
why history is repeating my self?
why can’t he like me they way i like him?
and many more such questions were haunting me so much. and i was fully frustrated,upset and crying most of the time.
but this all end yesterday when he replied and told me that i haven’t done anything wrong to make him upset, it just that he has been very busy and i shouldnt worry as if he ever lost interest in me he will be very clear about it to let me know.and all of sudden after getting his reply i felt so relief and relax 🙂 crazy me.
we talked pretty much and the bad news is that he isn’t free on new year’s eve as he will be working next day of new year which means we can’t hang out together.and this is what i wasn’t expecting as i dont have anyone to give me company on new year’s eve.while i want to be spoiled,drunk and have lots of fun.so i will have to find a friend who can give me company otherwise i will end up being alone and at home:(
the good news is that we have decided to meet up on 30th december and enjoy pre new year’s eve,which would be awesome. as getting high with him and staying at his place is always dream for me and can’t ask for me than this.
now i am counting the days wish the 30th comes fast so that i can be with him in his room,in his arms and in his bed:) wow can’t express the excitement and happiness. just hope this wont end and the time will stop when we meet up:)
yesterday (saturday) at this time i was bored as usual so sent voice message to the special person i shouldn’t mention his name as he is too special for me:)luckily he replied me and we started talking here and there after some time he asked that if i want i can come to his place though is working on some music on which i said nah i dont want to disturb you, and he replied no its ok you wont.
i came up with a solution that if its ok with you i can come by later in night as its weekend so we can meet. as i was expecting a friend to return his cell phone that he has given me to repair for him. also it will take time for me to have dinner, then getting ready.
as he is too sweet and kind to me always he said ok you can come whenever you want all of sudden my depressive episode started turning into manic episode but it was fun as i had already bought liquor and i knew it will be awesome night together.
now all i was counting the time to pass and reach to him as fast as i can.anyhow i reached his place till 2310 and he guided me the way to his home as i am so bad in memorising the roads. but he was such a nice guide that i reached to his place safely:)
and then the fun began we started chatting on here and there and then after few drinks i got my strength to have a nice conversation with my sweetie. gosh the more i talk to him the more i meet him the more i like him .its hard to express these comfort and friendly feelings that i get for him when i am around him i really hope i do mean to him something. and with the passage of time he starts liking me the way i do….
as we didnt have any energy drink or coca cola so he came up with a suggestion to mix vodka with hot coffee on which i was surprised to hear as never heard nor tried it before.but as it was his suggestion how can i say no to him:) so tried it .and it tasted nice but for me it didnt work as i wasn’t getting drunk or tipsy i was getting more active may be it was because of coffee. but for him it was working great.
we stayed up till morning and then yeh we have our private fun after which we went to sleep:
today in afternoon we woke up with another private session .after which i have to come back to home and this epic time was about to end which i wish i could safe and freeze the time right there, but as they say you separate to meet again and i am sure he will be kind enough to invite me all over again soon……….:)
i had rough night and so much was going on due to which i fell asleep round 0630 in morning. during the afternoon at 1440 i got a call that woke me up. my god it was the guy whom i am kinda dating:) that was huge surprise to get his call though i got worried a bit as he never called me before, but soon as i pick up the call it was nice to hear his voice.
he asked me that i have promised him that i will buy him gift for his past birthday which was on 4th december. and i said yeh i remember on which he said he is stuck at his work and there are something he wants me to buy for him. i said ok go ahead , he said there are some nintendo games that are soon going to discontinue so if i can get hold of them for him. i said ok i can do that but as i have some other commitments and its sunday which means the shops will close at 1800 so i will try my best to get free on time and rush to store and buy them.
but it was unfortunate that i couldnt make it on time and the result is that i couldnt bought the games:( which made me sad. but he was nice and said its ok no worries ..
he will check it out by himself tomorrow.
it didnt work out while the good out come of this whole incident was good as i got to hear him after long time and also felt he hasn’t forgotten me and there is hope that one day he will get into me:)
yesterday evening He voice messaged me and asked me to come to his place for night, it was awesome proposal as i wanted it so much after our 1st date which was on 10th November so after 10 days i was getting another chance, it was sweet of him.
as i was and i am still going through manic episode so the excitement was on its peak like never before.i had my dinner and then quickly got ready to leave.i took the last metro at 1236 and texted him that i will be at your stop till 0126 and asked him to come to T-bana to pick me up as usual i have forgotten the way to your home, and he was very kind and agreed.
the time of travelling was getting long or may be i was feeling like it as all i wanted is to meet him as soon as possible:)
finally i reached the stop and was thinking that should i hugg and kiss him when i meet him or not? there was a confusion inside me and during this confusion i reached exit and there he was standing so i went without thinking that how he will react and hugged him and kissed him on which he just passed a smile.there i felt like may be he might not expected this..but it was done and we walked to his place. sat down and started to have a conversation from one point the discussion was leaving for another and so on.
as i was manic so i was talking alot though most of the time i didn’t remember what we had talked a while ago:) all i remember is he said that i sound like very self centred guy:)lol and also i give the impression that i give up my soul and my self when it comes to relationship ,friendship etc. which i took as compliment.
this whole process was going on while we used to take a break in between for smoke and he was having some beer which i tried as well though i aint good with beer but it went smooth .at 0530 we felt pretty cuddly and started snuggling which ended up into nice loving making which felt awesome as usual .Gosh i like him so much as he is just perfect guy … yeh its too early and also i dont think he won’t take me as more than friend.after great love making we finally fell asleep and later woke up at 1430 and then i came to my place.
now still i have manic episode going on with terrible migraine:( but thinking of the time with him and hoping this will continue forever:)