Rushing thoughts & depressive Episode.

i have never felt such rushing thoughts ever before i must say , the confusion ,sadness, guilty feelings worries and fear etc all are there. it feels like my brain is full of darkness and fog ,while i cant explain the exact situation in words that is going on inside my head.

here i will again say mental illness is such a painful illness that it’s the only illness that can’t be explained in words , and expressing true emotional imbalancement in exact true words hard. as there are no specific words for the expression.

i might have the option to blame it on my the new medicine called Brentelix 5mg, but i have been using them from past 2 and half months, and so far since i had increased the dosage upto 10mg per day i had two hyper manic episodes , which was the best time in order as i had lots of energy, lots of happiness but on the contrarily i did alot of bad things as i high . i stoned by smoking weeds, by snorting coke for the first time and also i was back on my SH (SELF HARM).

Now since i have slipped into depressive episode and i must say i had hardly such depressive episode ever before. i can’t control my rushing thoughts as there are so many ideas, thoughts, worries, guilts and pain that i can’t focus to handle one thing at a time.

it feels like i am again getting immune to these new meds as well which is again giving me more stress as this was new and latest medicine that released in the market and my doctor was pretty hopefull that this will work for me with the combination of my other meds.

but after using 2.5 months i can say i havn’t felt any improvement, as it gave me hyper manic episodes which isnt good for bipolar type 2, and now i have slipped into deep depressive episode, so the net result is again my body is immune to these meds.

going to see new doctor on 20th april ,2016 and i hope she will help me and won’t recommend me ECT as last option, cuz i aint ready for it, yes i am scared of it’s side effects of losing memory , plus once i go for it then i have to keep on getting it on regular inervals for almost life time, and also i have to used meds regularly for lifetime as well. so that’s why  i am not ready for it.

on the other hand it looks like the medicines are not working on my sister as she has getting hallucinations and self harming thoughts again thought she has been taking her meds regularly from 3 months.

also my mom has same condition her OCD is getting worst even though she is on meds for couple of months. i really wounder why the hell we all are immune to meds, and why dont we get better?

it’s almost early morning and i just prayed begged and cried Allah to help and have mercy i even asked him to give me the sickness of my sister and mom in return give them health and fast recovery as i cant see then in pain at any cost. my heart is bursting of pain that they are in so much pain i can relate to their sufferings as i have been struggling with similar or worst issues from years.

it might be consider as shirk or disobeying Allah but as i always kept on saying that i share love and hate relationship with my Allah. so tonight i am again complaining from Him that why is he not listening my begging? what will happen if he gives us all good health and good life, or at least He gives health to my mother and sister, in return i have asked him to give their illness to me but give them recovery inshallah.

why is He keeping me alive? as i cant bear this pain anyone , the only way i used to calm down my self though it was for an honour or so , but now He has taken away that relief from me as well, now SH doesnt realease my pain and gives me relaxation.

i really wish rather than giving me sufferings and pains in this world WHY not Allah takes me away and send me to eternal hell ,where i will be alone getting punishing and burning in hell, at least there i wouldn’t be worried about my loved ones and their pains, it will be me and my pains…….Please Allah either give us all good health and good life or end this for once and all, as i truely have no power left to fight with my own demons and deal with family issues, since i am stuck here as you know i cant go back, i cant support them financially and morally so what’s the meaning of my life? why are you keeping me alive so that other’s can laugh at me , make fun of me and i keep on drowing into my own guilts and keep harming my self, and finding peace and relaxation in drugs and other things.

last night i dreamt about my ex after years, and now i am in again gone back to the time when i was with him. since You have taken him from me then why are You showing him in my dreams, since he has long gone then why cant i forget him..why are you finding new ways to hurt me and increase my pains, am i such a biggest sinner of the universe????

 

 

Secrets 

Someone once said don’t share your secrets with anyone as they are only kept with God.ok fine but what when it starts hurting you and you start feeling like your heart will explode any second.

Yeh people aren’t reliable mostly but may be there are some close ones whom you trust the most why not share with them.but the question is will they be able to digest such tormenting and painful secrets of your life???? 

Depressive Episode

woke up with a shitty depressive episode hate this phase as it always takes me to more dark and depression. i like the manic phase where i stay super happy,energetic and excitement. yeh there is a price for manic phase where i spend all money on online shopping and getting liquor which i always regret later on. but i still think manic phase is better than the depressive phase.let’s see how long it will be…..

URGES…..

adisayz
i used to have urges for different things since childhood. But now from past few years as i am struggling with Bipolar disorder along with PTSD,Anxiety and Phobia my urges have found a place.now i know what i crave for and that is destroying my self , cutting open my veins and then drink the blood.

liking the smell and taste of blood goes back to my childhood as well. so far i haven’t harmed my self may be it’s the medications that are stopping me but the thoughts are always there and sometimes its hard to divert my thoughts.

it’s a non stop battle between you and your self the devil keeps on telling you to do it and you are say no no no…..

one week with Litium

one week ago on friday on my current psykatrist i visited her colleague for 2nd opinion and there he figured it out that its Bipolar depression and as so far none of the antidepressant has worked for me.so he said there is a last option in medication before going to ECT, and that is i should try Litium and see if this will work for me.so he put me on Litium twice a day but before starting it he asked me to take some blood tests ,which i did and then started the med along with all current anti depressant.
last night it was one week of usage which means i had to repeat the blood tests ,so dropped at laboratory and delivered the blood sample. later in afternoon my Psykatrist called me and she told me that blood concentration are normal and it means i can increase the dosage like two pills in morning and one in night..i will keep using it for another one week and then on coming friday i will have to repeat the blood tests and then she will see if i can increase the dosage or not.
but my over all experience with Lithium so far is i have been feeling 5% improvement, in my mood i would say that my mood is not slipping into dark depression its kinda staying on an average line, also my anxiety has somehow reduced which i think is an indication that in long run this combination of meds will work for me, which i really hope and wish as i dont want to go on the road of ECT…

fog all over

from the last couple of days i have been feeling miserable emotionally and mentally. it’s hard to explain but there is a strange kind of silence and fog in my head that has made me so calm but yet full of sadness that i don’t know when i start crying and when i stop crying.
all i know i haven’t felt like this ever before so today i called my doctor and she has given me a time in two days which is atleast good thing as i need help more than ever before at this time of life.
because the feelings of harming my self is on peak, there is so much darkness inside me that i am numb and super confused. i haven’t texted him from few days as i dont feel like it or may be i just want to see how he response. as i have told him that i want to be with him on my birthday, which is tomorrow luckily.
i was sure he wouldn’t contact me but to all my surprise he voice texted me a while ago and asking whats the plan for tomorrow?
on which i replied and said nothing free then he sent another message and asked isn’t tomorrow my birthday? and i said yeh and i am free on my birthday so if you want i can come tonight towards you and stay night there.
he said not tonight as he is very tired and not in good mood like me but i can come to his place tomorrow and hopefully he will be in party spirit. on which i agreed as today i am also having terrible day and i dont want to take my sadness and depression to him, as already we have so much to talk and discuss.
i should be happy that he remember to contact me and fulfil his promise of meeting on my birthday, but i ain’t feeling the happiness inside me. this whole confusion,darkness, sadness and silence is taking over on me and i feeling like a volcano from inside which will burst at anytime,i don’t want to cry but it will be good if i cry today as that might help to wash away the depression and i might be in good mood tomorrow when i visit him.
going towards him will not be easy for me as earlier we used to meet as friends, but now i have feelings for him while he doesn’t want this whole relationship thing i guess so it will be difficult task to do. and i hope i will be able to talk to him openly and may be i get some positive reply from him.
so tomorrow on my birthday either i will get complete rejection or i will get somehow acceptance from him, though i know i will be heartbroken as usual but still i dont have any option rather facing this reality………..

one week later

it’s been more than week since i met him in fact it’s one year and over a week:) as we had met in december 2014 and now it’s 2015.anyhow i haven’t heard from him during last one week but yesterday when i left voice message and update him that i met psykologist and she said she has no more option of treatment other than i must think about ECT and i am still not ready for that. on which she suggested me that i can meet her colleague to have second opinion and may be he has some new way of treatment . and we agreed on it and she booked me with him on 29th january.
on this update he replied and said its long wait and he hopes i will stay strong meanwhile on my current medication.that was one and only his reply. which made me very happy as i have been missing this voice for a long time.but it also brought the urge of seeing him in real life more than before.but i can’t force him for meet up as i don’t want to lose him also he has told me before that these two months he is going to be very busy in his music and work. but can’t stop my heart from craving about meet up.
so i left him two more voice messages hope he has heard them and will reply me soon.it was a good time for me to hear from him yesterday but today is bad day as i am facing a depressive episode along with frustration and sadness and emptiness. and i end up hitting my face which is something new that i have started recently in past few days , and i have mentioned this to doctor as well but she didn’t change my medication and i have to continue with my previous prescription.
hoping soon i will get a green signal from him as whenever i meet him during that time i dont feel depressed at all, i know i am getting dependent on him as i dont have anyone else to spend time with. while he has already told me i must not fall in love with him as he doesn’t want to break my heart, but its too late as i have already fallen for him and i am ready for heart break:(

Black day 16.12.2014

i wanted to write the blog yesterday but it was so hard for me to focus due to the tragic and brutal massacre of 132 innocent school children by the terrorists.i woke up in after and read the news on twitter oh god it was heart breaking. as i belong to Peshawar and i know this school i can’t believe of this incident. i am speechless and just tears are falling from yesterday:(
i dont know how one can kill innocent children in the name of Islam? this isnt my religion i might not be a good muslim but i am a good human for me its biggest sin to kill someone specially innocent children.these so called Talibans and terrorists are coward people with sick mentality they dont have the courage to come out and face us thats why the stay hidden in mountains and now they have proved again that they dont have guts to come out in light that’s why they attacked innocent children and teachers of school.
if any of these terroists prove me that its allowed to kill innocent people in islam i will do anything that they say. but i know they have no answer. i am not an extremist like them but those who are portraying the wrong image of my religion for them there shouldn’t be any mercy they all should be hanged to death and remove from the surface of this world.
every person in the world in condemning this tragedy and on behave of Pakistani people i am very thankful to the world.
in this world we don’t need any war but there isn’t any other way to stop these terrorists, as our government have tried negotiations already and every time Talibans have ruined it,so the last and final option is military action in order to save the innocent people from their terrorism and to make the world a peaceful and worth living place.
let’s say no to terrorism and let’s make this world a peaceful place to live together ….

3rd time

yesterday (saturday) at this time i was bored as usual so sent voice message to the special person i shouldn’t mention his name as he is too special for me:)luckily he replied me and we started talking here and there after some time he asked that if i want i can come to his place though is working on some music on which i said nah i dont want to disturb you, and he replied no its ok you wont.
i came up with a solution that if its ok with you i can come by later in night as its weekend so we can meet. as i was expecting a friend to return his cell phone that he has given me to repair for him. also it will take time for me to have dinner, then getting ready.
as he is too sweet and kind to me always he said ok you can come whenever you want all of sudden my depressive episode started turning into manic episode but it was fun as i had already bought liquor and i knew it will be awesome night together.
now all i was counting the time to pass and reach to him as fast as i can.anyhow i reached his place till 2310 and he guided me the way to his home as i am so bad in memorising the roads. but he was such a nice guide that i reached to his place safely:)
and then the fun began we started chatting on here and there and then after few drinks i got my strength to have a nice conversation with my sweetie. gosh the more i talk to him the more i meet him the more i like him .its hard to express these comfort and friendly feelings that i get for him when i am around him i really hope i do mean to him something. and with the passage of time he starts liking me the way i do….
as we didnt have any energy drink or coca cola so he came up with a suggestion to mix vodka with hot coffee on which i was surprised to hear as never heard nor tried it before.but as it was his suggestion how can i say no to him:) so tried it .and it tasted nice but for me it didnt work as i wasn’t getting drunk or tipsy i was getting more active may be it was because of coffee. but for him it was working great.
we stayed up till morning and then yeh we have our private fun after which we went to sleep:
today in afternoon we woke up with another private session .after which i have to come back to home and this epic time was about to end which i wish i could safe and freeze the time right there, but as they say you separate to meet again and i am sure he will be kind enough to invite me all over again soon……….:)