Ramadan Mubarak to all the Muslims across the world….. Have a blissful month by the Allah amen.
i have never felt such rushing thoughts ever before i must say , the confusion ,sadness, guilty feelings worries and fear etc all are there. it feels like my brain is full of darkness and fog ,while i cant explain the exact situation in words that is going on inside my head.
here i will again say mental illness is such a painful illness that it’s the only illness that can’t be explained in words , and expressing true emotional imbalancement in exact true words hard. as there are no specific words for the expression.
i might have the option to blame it on my the new medicine called Brentelix 5mg, but i have been using them from past 2 and half months, and so far since i had increased the dosage upto 10mg per day i had two hyper manic episodes , which was the best time in order as i had lots of energy, lots of happiness but on the contrarily i did alot of bad things as i high . i stoned by smoking weeds, by snorting coke for the first time and also i was back on my SH (SELF HARM).
Now since i have slipped into depressive episode and i must say i had hardly such depressive episode ever before. i can’t control my rushing thoughts as there are so many ideas, thoughts, worries, guilts and pain that i can’t focus to handle one thing at a time.
it feels like i am again getting immune to these new meds as well which is again giving me more stress as this was new and latest medicine that released in the market and my doctor was pretty hopefull that this will work for me with the combination of my other meds.
but after using 2.5 months i can say i havn’t felt any improvement, as it gave me hyper manic episodes which isnt good for bipolar type 2, and now i have slipped into deep depressive episode, so the net result is again my body is immune to these meds.
going to see new doctor on 20th april ,2016 and i hope she will help me and won’t recommend me ECT as last option, cuz i aint ready for it, yes i am scared of it’s side effects of losing memory , plus once i go for it then i have to keep on getting it on regular inervals for almost life time, and also i have to used meds regularly for lifetime as well. so that’s why i am not ready for it.
on the other hand it looks like the medicines are not working on my sister as she has getting hallucinations and self harming thoughts again thought she has been taking her meds regularly from 3 months.
also my mom has same condition her OCD is getting worst even though she is on meds for couple of months. i really wounder why the hell we all are immune to meds, and why dont we get better?
it’s almost early morning and i just prayed begged and cried Allah to help and have mercy i even asked him to give me the sickness of my sister and mom in return give them health and fast recovery as i cant see then in pain at any cost. my heart is bursting of pain that they are in so much pain i can relate to their sufferings as i have been struggling with similar or worst issues from years.
it might be consider as shirk or disobeying Allah but as i always kept on saying that i share love and hate relationship with my Allah. so tonight i am again complaining from Him that why is he not listening my begging? what will happen if he gives us all good health and good life, or at least He gives health to my mother and sister, in return i have asked him to give their illness to me but give them recovery inshallah.
why is He keeping me alive? as i cant bear this pain anyone , the only way i used to calm down my self though it was for an honour or so , but now He has taken away that relief from me as well, now SH doesnt realease my pain and gives me relaxation.
i really wish rather than giving me sufferings and pains in this world WHY not Allah takes me away and send me to eternal hell ,where i will be alone getting punishing and burning in hell, at least there i wouldn’t be worried about my loved ones and their pains, it will be me and my pains…….Please Allah either give us all good health and good life or end this for once and all, as i truely have no power left to fight with my own demons and deal with family issues, since i am stuck here as you know i cant go back, i cant support them financially and morally so what’s the meaning of my life? why are you keeping me alive so that other’s can laugh at me , make fun of me and i keep on drowing into my own guilts and keep harming my self, and finding peace and relaxation in drugs and other things.
last night i dreamt about my ex after years, and now i am in again gone back to the time when i was with him. since You have taken him from me then why are You showing him in my dreams, since he has long gone then why cant i forget him..why are you finding new ways to hurt me and increase my pains, am i such a biggest sinner of the universe????
we have been thought that nothing is impossible , but i differ to agree this myth as the most hardest and impossible thing is to express to the world what exactly is going on inside you. though people say that they understand but i haven’t seen anyone can understand the exact ratio of the pain that anyone is carrying on who is suffering from mental illness. as even science has no tests or measuring capacity to exactly know the brain and its process.
you are forced to keep on trying different anti depressant , mood stabilisers , anti psychotic drugs just you name it and i will say yes i have tried that and it didnt work.then there are psychologist/therapist in past 3 years i have been to many but everyone at the end gave up on me.
some thing i do these acts to seek attention, to create drama to gain sympathies etc etc. like seriously i am not in desperation for these as i have passed that age where everyone wants to be loved, popular etc.
all i want is to finish this fight that i am having inside me from ages it’s hard to put in words that how it feels to have darkness inside who is consuming you day by day by cutting a piece of your soul every time you resist him. i was wrong that i have suppressed my urges as it was one and half month ago since i last cut and burnt my self with smoke.
i was in denial as 3 days ago i was on my laptop watching some movie that the urges started all of sudden i tried my best to avoid them and divert my mind, but i could smell my blood, i was feeling like my veins are about to burst like a lava, i fought for few hours but at the end no one listen i prayed i begged Allah but my darkness was growing stronger, and at the end i did cut and burnt my hand.
again it’s very hard to put in words the moment when i cut my self and as soon as i saw the blood coming out i couldnt resist not to smell it and once i did then there was another stage of tasting that blood till it stops coming out…..it felt so relax calm and i didnt hear him for a while , i felt like i am normal human, but soon after that darkness asked for some more torture so i burnt my self, that felt comfortable and relieve as well.
and there you go from first step then to next and so on, in short now i am harming my self again i am back on smoking weed last night for the first time i snort coke , what an experienced it was felt like my darkness has stopped slicing my soul, my pain my guilts everything was gone i was in a place where there was peace and calmness.
yeh it felt like a dream and i wished it was a dream but when i woke up the next day i was full of rage and more guilts on what i have done with my self, as i had worked really hard to stay clean and stay away from this dirty hole where there is only darkness and nothing else.
but here i am in a real world and this is my reality that no matter how hard i try i will always fall in this as there is no cure for me or should i say for mental illnesses its a lie that mental illnesses are curable no its not and i know how and where it will end, the only to stop is to let it take me completely and surrender to the darkness once and for all, thats how it will end, no matter what i do its part of me but i am scared of accepting it just like i am scared to accept my sexuality……………..
yesterday he confirmed that i can visit him.so i freshen up and left for his place at 2256 had a bottle of vodka and some red bulls so took them along my side. i reached at his building till 2335 texted him to come down to open the entrance door for me, he replied that he will be down in a sec. but it wasn’t just few seconds he took almost 13 minutes and i was standing in freezing windy cold. it wasn’t bad at all because after all i was having my time with him after 29 days so the excitement was at its peak:)
anyhow he came down and apologised as he was busy on skype meeting though he thought it will end by now but due to some reason the meeting got lengthy and that’s why he took long time to come down and open the door. but i didnt mind that come on how can i mind anything from him:)
anyhow i went to his place, he asked me to give him sometime so that he can finish is meeting and i agreed.
he quickly winded up his meeting and then suddenly turned to me and said Happy birthday come on give me a hug, on which i smiled and said birthday is gone as its 0018 he said no worries just give me hug so i hugged him tight and gave him a kiss on his neck wow gosh i love his skin smell and i have missed his arms around me so much.
from there we started talking slowly infact i was kinda distracted by some random thoughts in my head about us, and he figured it out quickly and said to me YOU look pretty lost in thoughts, and i replied yeh i am on which he asked i am here tell me whatever is bothering you. i replied i can’t tell you know let me give sometime i will discuss it with you and he smiled and said of course.
fast forwarding the night we started drinking and slowly as i felt the kick and kinda gathered my confidence i brought up the topic of feelings from our last time meet up and from there onward we had a long debate till late in night while enjoying drinks and i was falling for him all over again from inside , though he still believes i dont have geniun feelings for him but i have left it on time. let the time decide on that.
later i was almost drunk and we ran short of alcohol which wasn’t good.. but my mood was great so romantic and sweet … again fast forward here we end up lying in bed together my head was on his chest playing , fingers were playing through his hair chest and gosh that was the time i wanted to stop forever and live in there forever:)….
after a real awesome period it was time to sleep as i was supposed to be up in day time to catch up on my doctor’s appointment… so in a little while he fell asleep like a child and i couldnt sleep whole night as i was just looking at him and thinking how much i like this amazing person, when night turned into day and when my alarm started i didnt notice, as time flew by so fast and then it was time to wake him up so that he can lock the door after i leave. he woke up pretty grumpy wish i wouldn’t have done that but i didnt have any choice.
and then i left his place giving him a big hug and kissing him… it was one of the best nights as usual and best birthday in years as i wasn’t alone on this birthday, i got to spend the whole night with someone very close and dear to me….
now i am home too tired need to sleep now as i am supposed to be awake by 0640 in morning to catch up another doctor meet up. but wanted to share the new chapter of my life:)
from the last couple of days i have been feeling miserable emotionally and mentally. it’s hard to explain but there is a strange kind of silence and fog in my head that has made me so calm but yet full of sadness that i don’t know when i start crying and when i stop crying.
all i know i haven’t felt like this ever before so today i called my doctor and she has given me a time in two days which is atleast good thing as i need help more than ever before at this time of life.
because the feelings of harming my self is on peak, there is so much darkness inside me that i am numb and super confused. i haven’t texted him from few days as i dont feel like it or may be i just want to see how he response. as i have told him that i want to be with him on my birthday, which is tomorrow luckily.
i was sure he wouldn’t contact me but to all my surprise he voice texted me a while ago and asking whats the plan for tomorrow?
on which i replied and said nothing free then he sent another message and asked isn’t tomorrow my birthday? and i said yeh and i am free on my birthday so if you want i can come tonight towards you and stay night there.
he said not tonight as he is very tired and not in good mood like me but i can come to his place tomorrow and hopefully he will be in party spirit. on which i agreed as today i am also having terrible day and i dont want to take my sadness and depression to him, as already we have so much to talk and discuss.
i should be happy that he remember to contact me and fulfil his promise of meeting on my birthday, but i ain’t feeling the happiness inside me. this whole confusion,darkness, sadness and silence is taking over on me and i feeling like a volcano from inside which will burst at anytime,i don’t want to cry but it will be good if i cry today as that might help to wash away the depression and i might be in good mood tomorrow when i visit him.
going towards him will not be easy for me as earlier we used to meet as friends, but now i have feelings for him while he doesn’t want this whole relationship thing i guess so it will be difficult task to do. and i hope i will be able to talk to him openly and may be i get some positive reply from him.
so tomorrow on my birthday either i will get complete rejection or i will get somehow acceptance from him, though i know i will be heartbroken as usual but still i dont have any option rather facing this reality………..
it’s been more than week since i met him in fact it’s one year and over a week:) as we had met in december 2014 and now it’s 2015.anyhow i haven’t heard from him during last one week but yesterday when i left voice message and update him that i met psykologist and she said she has no more option of treatment other than i must think about ECT and i am still not ready for that. on which she suggested me that i can meet her colleague to have second opinion and may be he has some new way of treatment . and we agreed on it and she booked me with him on 29th january.
on this update he replied and said its long wait and he hopes i will stay strong meanwhile on my current medication.that was one and only his reply. which made me very happy as i have been missing this voice for a long time.but it also brought the urge of seeing him in real life more than before.but i can’t force him for meet up as i don’t want to lose him also he has told me before that these two months he is going to be very busy in his music and work. but can’t stop my heart from craving about meet up.
so i left him two more voice messages hope he has heard them and will reply me soon.it was a good time for me to hear from him yesterday but today is bad day as i am facing a depressive episode along with frustration and sadness and emptiness. and i end up hitting my face which is something new that i have started recently in past few days , and i have mentioned this to doctor as well but she didn’t change my medication and i have to continue with my previous prescription.
hoping soon i will get a green signal from him as whenever i meet him during that time i dont feel depressed at all, i know i am getting dependent on him as i dont have anyone else to spend time with. while he has already told me i must not fall in love with him as he doesn’t want to break my heart, but its too late as i have already fallen for him and i am ready for heart break:(
i was so much excited for 30th december why because i was supposed to celebrate pre new year’s party with Him.everything was going according the plan i took metro at 2340 as he asked me to meet till 0030 at his home.though it was our 4th time that we were meeting, but i was smelling that something is wrong i was having one of the worst panic attacks on the way to him. the feeling of losing, the restlessness feeling and confusion was on peak, i thought its just that my medications are not working and i am thinking too much. so i ignored my gut feelings which always becomes true as i have this power of noticing things before they happen this time the gut feelings were very strong.on the whole way i was praying and wishing that tonight things get change between us and He calls it more than friendship. yeh i know things dont suppose to go so fast and the more fast you run the more strongly you will fall and it will hurt.
anyhow soon i reached at his place when i reached there suddenly i started feeling relax and soon i thought that see it was just a bad panic attack and things are fine.we started talking and drinking in a nice musical environment…
soon after few beers and gin n tonic i started feeling tipsy or i would kinda drunk yeh i did get high pretty quickly as i have taking my medications before so may be because of that i got into that phase but whatever it was i was feeling nice ,what i could wish for more than this . He was in front of me his legs were on my lap and i was playing with them as i love his feet so much ,drinking and chatting with him it was perfect how i have thought and dreamt for.
soon we were in some discussion and i dont remember what triggered that discussion all i remember that he asked to listen up him and He said something that i never wanted to hear or was not ready to hear so early but he might have smelled it and that’s why he brought this topic . He asked me that i shouldn’t ever fall in love with him as i should trust him he won’t be good boy friend to me . fuck as soon as i heard it something broke inside me so badly but i didnt show him that its too much to hear. i heard him and then i said that you might think you cant be good boy friend to me but i am sure that if there will ever be a boyfriend in my life that would be you and you are perfect in my eyes.
and we started discussing this he was stay true to his opinion and i was stuck to mine. but then i said ok let’s change the topic and if you don’t think i should ever fall in love with you then i wont but just stay as you are with me now and let’s keep this nice friendship forever . i was hiding my love for him behind the logo of friendship.
soon after that i dont remember what happened but all i remember is he was lying and i was in his arms and he asked me to look into his eyes and i just couldnt watch into his eyes and as soon as he asked again i burst into tears and the whole emotions just rushed out through my eyes and he noticed whats coming next , i told him that i can’t look into your eyes as i will fall in love all over again and i dont want to do that. on which i hugged me tight put my head on his chest and hold me tight.all i remember is he was telling me its ok Adi you haven’t lost me ,you won’t lose me at all i will always be here for you but my emotions were so hard that i just couldn’t stop crying and my broken heart wanted to burst into pieces.this continued for long time all i remember that he was making sure that i look into his eyes and calm down i did looked into his eyes few times with tears falling from my eyes and i think i noticed tears in his eyes too ,and felt like one of his part want to love me and hold me in his life but he is too strong to hold that feelings away dont know why he can’t be in my life as boyfriend . if he like me ,finds me handsome attractive then what is wrong to try out relationship?
there are so many questions that i am asking from my self and cursing my self why i met him in 1st place if it was supposed to come to this point:(
my gut feelings were not wrong this was coming but i just didn’t believed in my gut feelings and now i am broken into pieces. its new year’s eve everyone is happy and celebrating while i am crying on my fucked up life:(
well its been almost two weeks i haven’t heard from him. though i have left him audio messages on whatsapp pretty frequently , but he didn’t reply. which increased my depression and i ended up into sever depressive episode that i haven’t experienced so far.
there were questions in my head that were bothering me like,
did he lose interest in me?
what i have done to made him upset?
why history is repeating my self?
why can’t he like me they way i like him?
and many more such questions were haunting me so much. and i was fully frustrated,upset and crying most of the time.
but this all end yesterday when he replied and told me that i haven’t done anything wrong to make him upset, it just that he has been very busy and i shouldnt worry as if he ever lost interest in me he will be very clear about it to let me know.and all of sudden after getting his reply i felt so relief and relax 🙂 crazy me.
we talked pretty much and the bad news is that he isn’t free on new year’s eve as he will be working next day of new year which means we can’t hang out together.and this is what i wasn’t expecting as i dont have anyone to give me company on new year’s eve.while i want to be spoiled,drunk and have lots of fun.so i will have to find a friend who can give me company otherwise i will end up being alone and at home:(
the good news is that we have decided to meet up on 30th december and enjoy pre new year’s eve,which would be awesome. as getting high with him and staying at his place is always dream for me and can’t ask for me than this.
now i am counting the days wish the 30th comes fast so that i can be with him in his room,in his arms and in his bed:) wow can’t express the excitement and happiness. just hope this wont end and the time will stop when we meet up:)
i wanted to write the blog yesterday but it was so hard for me to focus due to the tragic and brutal massacre of 132 innocent school children by the terrorists.i woke up in after and read the news on twitter oh god it was heart breaking. as i belong to Peshawar and i know this school i can’t believe of this incident. i am speechless and just tears are falling from yesterday:(
i dont know how one can kill innocent children in the name of Islam? this isnt my religion i might not be a good muslim but i am a good human for me its biggest sin to kill someone specially innocent children.these so called Talibans and terrorists are coward people with sick mentality they dont have the courage to come out and face us thats why the stay hidden in mountains and now they have proved again that they dont have guts to come out in light that’s why they attacked innocent children and teachers of school.
if any of these terroists prove me that its allowed to kill innocent people in islam i will do anything that they say. but i know they have no answer. i am not an extremist like them but those who are portraying the wrong image of my religion for them there shouldn’t be any mercy they all should be hanged to death and remove from the surface of this world.
every person in the world in condemning this tragedy and on behave of Pakistani people i am very thankful to the world.
in this world we don’t need any war but there isn’t any other way to stop these terrorists, as our government have tried negotiations already and every time Talibans have ruined it,so the last and final option is military action in order to save the innocent people from their terrorism and to make the world a peaceful and worth living place.
let’s say no to terrorism and let’s make this world a peaceful place to live together ….