Mufti Abdul qawi and Qandeel bloch scandal…

As everyone in pakistan is seeking media attention so If mufti Abdul qawi and qandeel bloch did the same then why is the social and print media is making such big issue of it and Criticising them …let them seek attention by every possible way as everyone has different tricks to seek attention and self promotion. i am sure pemra will neither take any legal on this issue nor banned then from coming on media.and also the followers of mufti Abdul qawi or other scholars will not talk against their on screen chemistry…. Such a nice drama and self promotion act in the Holy month of ramadan this can only happens in the great Islamic Republic of Pakistan 🙂 #mufitAbdulQawi #qandeelbalock #scandal #pakistan #holymonthoframadan #attentionseekings #attionseekers #drama 

Rushing thoughts & depressive Episode.

i have never felt such rushing thoughts ever before i must say , the confusion ,sadness, guilty feelings worries and fear etc all are there. it feels like my brain is full of darkness and fog ,while i cant explain the exact situation in words that is going on inside my head.

here i will again say mental illness is such a painful illness that it’s the only illness that can’t be explained in words , and expressing true emotional imbalancement in exact true words hard. as there are no specific words for the expression.

i might have the option to blame it on my the new medicine called Brentelix 5mg, but i have been using them from past 2 and half months, and so far since i had increased the dosage upto 10mg per day i had two hyper manic episodes , which was the best time in order as i had lots of energy, lots of happiness but on the contrarily i did alot of bad things as i high . i stoned by smoking weeds, by snorting coke for the first time and also i was back on my SH (SELF HARM).

Now since i have slipped into depressive episode and i must say i had hardly such depressive episode ever before. i can’t control my rushing thoughts as there are so many ideas, thoughts, worries, guilts and pain that i can’t focus to handle one thing at a time.

it feels like i am again getting immune to these new meds as well which is again giving me more stress as this was new and latest medicine that released in the market and my doctor was pretty hopefull that this will work for me with the combination of my other meds.

but after using 2.5 months i can say i havn’t felt any improvement, as it gave me hyper manic episodes which isnt good for bipolar type 2, and now i have slipped into deep depressive episode, so the net result is again my body is immune to these meds.

going to see new doctor on 20th april ,2016 and i hope she will help me and won’t recommend me ECT as last option, cuz i aint ready for it, yes i am scared of it’s side effects of losing memory , plus once i go for it then i have to keep on getting it on regular inervals for almost life time, and also i have to used meds regularly for lifetime as well. so that’s why  i am not ready for it.

on the other hand it looks like the medicines are not working on my sister as she has getting hallucinations and self harming thoughts again thought she has been taking her meds regularly from 3 months.

also my mom has same condition her OCD is getting worst even though she is on meds for couple of months. i really wounder why the hell we all are immune to meds, and why dont we get better?

it’s almost early morning and i just prayed begged and cried Allah to help and have mercy i even asked him to give me the sickness of my sister and mom in return give them health and fast recovery as i cant see then in pain at any cost. my heart is bursting of pain that they are in so much pain i can relate to their sufferings as i have been struggling with similar or worst issues from years.

it might be consider as shirk or disobeying Allah but as i always kept on saying that i share love and hate relationship with my Allah. so tonight i am again complaining from Him that why is he not listening my begging? what will happen if he gives us all good health and good life, or at least He gives health to my mother and sister, in return i have asked him to give their illness to me but give them recovery inshallah.

why is He keeping me alive? as i cant bear this pain anyone , the only way i used to calm down my self though it was for an honour or so , but now He has taken away that relief from me as well, now SH doesnt realease my pain and gives me relaxation.

i really wish rather than giving me sufferings and pains in this world WHY not Allah takes me away and send me to eternal hell ,where i will be alone getting punishing and burning in hell, at least there i wouldn’t be worried about my loved ones and their pains, it will be me and my pains…….Please Allah either give us all good health and good life or end this for once and all, as i truely have no power left to fight with my own demons and deal with family issues, since i am stuck here as you know i cant go back, i cant support them financially and morally so what’s the meaning of my life? why are you keeping me alive so that other’s can laugh at me , make fun of me and i keep on drowing into my own guilts and keep harming my self, and finding peace and relaxation in drugs and other things.

last night i dreamt about my ex after years, and now i am in again gone back to the time when i was with him. since You have taken him from me then why are You showing him in my dreams, since he has long gone then why cant i forget him..why are you finding new ways to hurt me and increase my pains, am i such a biggest sinner of the universe????

 

 

punishment or test?

some tests have no time duration the duration ends with death, until then you have to suffer i call it punishment ,others call it test from God,some call it bad luck ,some say its a curse whatever you call it , the result is that only you suffer with a pain so intense that it squeezes your soul the only way to temporarily relief is by indulging pain to your self in shape of what others call it harming ur self but for me this hurting or torturing my self reduces the intensity of the pain  that is given to you as a test or punishment.

yeh i know no one will agree nor i am expecting anyone to understand or sympathies as i dont need that…. u can only feel my suffering when you go through my situations in your life…..and yeh i know others might have worst cases than mine but aint we humans and selfishness is in our nature… except if we were angels,or the Sahaba Karam the true companionship of Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h or if we were prophet then we would have  definitely strongest level of patience but that isnt the case for me i am weak,sinner and poor human being… i do get hopeful and trying to hold on to think thread of hope but i also get angry, upset from God..just like a child asking something from mother and when he doesnt get that he get temporarily upset and angry on his mom……..

sorry for long post but just wanted to speak about it that may be someone is out there in same situations and miseries like so that i can tell them they are not alone they have a super psycho confused human who have found to deal with his miseries by destroying himself to get relief even its for few minutes……….. good night all you sweet friends…..

story.

i am stuck in my story writing the situation is two gay brothers who are in love with same guy but they dont know that their love in same person, and that third person is kind flirting with both brothers at different times. but one day the brothers find out so my question how to plot the story further? should they both end up with this guy, but they are in so much love that they kinda worship this person. so one option is that one brother sacrifice his love for his brother? the second option is they both throw him out of their lives and move out? what do you guys suggest as i want to make it painful for both the brothers as i believe and have experienced love always end in pain…but i need some other tragic or different climax not some regular or typical climax of regular love stories….
i will appreciate you suggestion hope i will get some dark painful suggestion. though i have planed what i want at the end ,but just want your stance…. thanks

being homosexual in muslim world.

bed i go to bed just want to ask a question i was talking a muslim kinda scholar guy that i want to have a surrogate child and he told me that if you go for it , then it will be illicit according to religion as you will not be doing proper nikah. on which i counter question what if me and she agrees to do nikah and then go for it and after the birth of child we divorce and she gives me full custody of the child? on which he said according to majority of sects such nikah will not be consider valid if you do guys dont have proper sex and plan a baby?so anyone have any input of this either my point of view is right or not? as i have always thought and understood my religion through heart not through my mind ,and to me this way feels proper islamic , as in shia school of thought there is the concept of Mutta, and in another sect mostly that is practicing in arabic world the Misyar is also allowed which is some what same to my idea.though hanfi and sunni schools of thoughts both say Mutta and Misyar were forbidden in the era of Hazrat Omer khitab. so kindly guide me if anyone has some references or knowledge to share and support my idea……. i will be thankful .
good night all from stockholm stay bless .
huggs.

punishment or test?

some tests have no time duration the duration ends with death, until then you have to suffer i call it punishment ,others call it test from God,some call it bad luck ,some say its a curse whatever you call it , the result is that only you suffer with a pain so intense that it squeezes your soul the only way to temporarily relief is by indulging pain to your self in shape of what others call it harming ur self but for me this hurting or torturing my self reduces the intensity of the pain  that is given to you as a test or punishment.

yeh i know no one will agree nor i am expecting anyone to understand or sympathies as i dont need that…. u can only feel my suffering when you go through my situations in your life…..and yeh i know others might have worst cases than mine but aint we humans and selfishness is in our nature… except if we were angels,or the Sahaba Karam the true companionship of Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h or if we were prophet then we would have  definitely strongest level of patience but that isnt the case for me i am weak,sinner and poor human being… i do get hopeful and trying to hold on to think thread of hope but i also get angry, upset from God..just like a child asking something from mother and when he doesnt get that he get temporarily upset and angry on his mom……..

sorry for long post but just wanted to speak about it that may be someone is out there in same situations and miseries like so that i can tell them they are not alone they have a super psycho confused human who have found to deal with his miseries by destroying himself to get relief even its for few minutes……….. good night all you sweet friends…..

love is still alive

its been 7 years since you have left me .today after many years i looked at the moon and it has no answers as usual. it was the witness of ur love.you remember last time when we met and head was in ur arms you told me this moon is the witness of our love.

whenever i miss you i should look at it and you will feel me around you and you i did for some long time ,but it never happened , the moon has no face or existence of urs. u promised by saying i swear to the moon that we will meet soon and we will be together.

but now its been ages neither you came nor you fullfilled ur promise while i am still stuck in that last moment and last kiss of yours. why have you done this to me?

i am still stuck in that time so please proof me wrong and come back to my life i will wont ask any questions i want to love you as much as i used to do, i worship you like a never been.please xaar i am very alone and empty without you.lo

Queer Muslim.

I have so much to say but will keep it simple and short as much as I can.there was a guy born in Muslim country and the society was too religious His childhood was tormenting as he faced not only sexual abuse but also verbal abuse as he was a feminine shy kinda guy. So he never told about the sexual or Verbal abuse he keep it inside his heart cursing him self, once he tried to end his life but that didn’t work as his mother came to know and she ran him to hospital.mom asked many times but he never told her anything ad he knew if he will tell they will kill him. As this was the custom and law to kill queer guys soon he went to university where things got worst as not only his classmates bullied him but teacher as well. There he meet a guy on Internet he was studying medicine that time after few months they met and this guy fell in love with doctor.for almost a year the kept their relationship secret one day doctor left the guy without any reason. The guy still wants his answers but he can’t reach to him later he discovered that doc has got married to a girl. This guy flew to Europe but here things were different LGBT community is all about masculine and big tools and most of the guys he interacted used to call him a terrorist Muslim. This made him more upset as in 6 years of staying in Europe and still the guy is looking for acceptance. Being so neglecting he has nothing more to rather kill himself but he never succeeded in it. He end up harming him self and seeking professional health was good but soon doctors told him he can’t not be curved as meds aint working and the keep on cutting himself.as he is bipolar with severe social phobia and insomnia though he is taking many pills but the rejection and not being accepted in the world is his question and the answer is he must end his life as neither his family and country will accept him now the county he is living in…..😢😢😢😢

birthday bash

yesterday he confirmed that i can visit him.so i freshen up and left for his place at 2256 had a bottle of vodka and some red bulls so took them along my side. i reached at his building till 2335 texted him to come down to open the entrance door for me, he replied that he will be down in a sec. but it wasn’t just few seconds he took almost 13 minutes and i was standing in freezing windy cold. it wasn’t bad at all because after all i was having my time with him after 29 days so the excitement was at its peak:)
anyhow he came down and apologised as he was busy on skype meeting though he thought it will end by now but due to some reason the meeting got lengthy and that’s why he took long time to come down and open the door. but i didnt mind that come on how can i mind anything from him:)
anyhow i went to his place, he asked me to give him sometime so that he can finish is meeting and i agreed.
he quickly winded up his meeting and then suddenly turned to me and said Happy birthday come on give me a hug, on which i smiled and said birthday is gone as its 0018 he said no worries just give me hug so i hugged him tight and gave him a kiss on his neck wow gosh i love his skin smell and i have missed his arms around me so much.
from there we started talking slowly infact i was kinda distracted by some random thoughts in my head about us, and he figured it out quickly and said to me YOU look pretty lost in thoughts, and i replied yeh i am on which he asked i am here tell me whatever is bothering you. i replied i can’t tell you know let me give sometime i will discuss it with you and he smiled and said of course.
fast forwarding the night we started drinking and slowly as i felt the kick and kinda gathered my confidence i brought up the topic of feelings from our last time meet up and from there onward we had a long debate till late in night while enjoying drinks and i was falling for him all over again from inside , though he still believes i dont have geniun feelings for him but i have left it on time. let the time decide on that.
later i was almost drunk and we ran short of alcohol which wasn’t good.. but my mood was great so romantic and sweet … again fast forward here we end up lying in bed together my head was on his chest playing , fingers were playing through his hair chest and gosh that was the time i wanted to stop forever and live in there forever:)….
after a real awesome period it was time to sleep as i was supposed to be up in day time to catch up on my doctor’s appointment… so in a little while he fell asleep like a child and i couldnt sleep whole night as i was just looking at him and thinking how much i like this amazing person, when night turned into day and when my alarm started i didnt notice, as time flew by so fast and then it was time to wake him up so that he can lock the door after i leave. he woke up pretty grumpy wish i wouldn’t have done that but i didnt have any choice.
and then i left his place giving him a big hug and kissing him… it was one of the best nights as usual and best birthday in years as i wasn’t alone on this birthday, i got to spend the whole night with someone very close and dear to me….
now i am home too tired need to sleep now as i am supposed to be awake by 0640 in morning to catch up another doctor meet up. but wanted to share the new chapter of my life:)